Category: General

My nose is running. My head is ache-y. I just want to curl up in bed. It’s 34° F outside.

So why am I still going to work? Not sure.

It’s 78° in Cancún right now.

Scene: Tall man in his twenties, wearing a bright red Santa hat and jacket, stands a step or two farther back from the urinal than is normally prudent. He sways on his feet. The two non-Santa-dressed men, one tall and bald, the other shorter and wearing a snappy fedora, approach and select the two open urinals on either side of the taller, younger, Santa-dressed man, and begin to make use of the facilities.

Santa Boy: (slurred) How’re you doin’?

Kevin: Good!

Brian: We’re merry!

Santa Boy: I’m so wasted!

Brian: I see. Did you start at noon?

Kevin shifts position to avoid Santa Boy, who is swaying dangerously near.

Santa Boy: Yeah, it’s early. But I should go home.

Brian: It’s a long way back to the North Pole.

Santa Boy: It’s OK… I’m staying with my parents.

Ah, yes… Santacon 2008. Outside, drunken revelers of all ages, dressed in Santa clothes, partied and yelled and rode tall bikes and yelled some more, as they wandered from bar to bar to bar to bar, all day long. The scene on the front porch of Powell’s City of Books had resembled a Christmas rave, with booty-shaking girls in red and white mini-dresses danced on the railings.

Next year, I’m participating. How could I not? Summer has the naked bike ride; winter has the Santacon. Portland is awesome.

Tonight, she was wearing a ring on her wedding finger. I don’t know if I noticed one before.

And she says she regrets her past.

I still don’t know her name.

I pigged out (apologies to any actual pigs reading this) last night. Not sure why but, after dinner, I went to Foster’s Market and bought a bag of Doritos ® Blazin’ Buffalo & Ranch ™ Flavored Tortilla Chips (the 99¢ bag), and not just one, not just two, but three delicious donuts – a jelly-filled, a chocolate creme filled, and a bear claw.

So good. Yes, I ate them. All of them.

And I sat and caught up on all the TV I have not been watching, and then I started watching “Almost Famous” (not the director’s cut) and then went to bed early.

This morning, when I counted up the calories I had yesterday, which included a Burgerville Pepper bacon cheeseburger and their Yukon Gold waffle fries… Oh, man. I had more than double the calories that I’m shooting for.

Now I’m sitting here in my running clothes and eyeing the mid-30° F weather outside, knowing I have to go run off some of these donuts and chips and cheeseburgers… and I’m just not feelin’ it.

Time to run.

The internet tells me that it’s currently 46° F in Portland, my hometown, right now.

The internet tells me that it’s currently 70° F in Cancún, Mexico, right now.

That’s a 24° F difference.

Damn, I’m colder just thinking about it.

Remember when our leaders would actually engage the citizens in modifying the Constitution?

Yeah… good times, good times.

What am I talking about, you ask? Why, I’m just wishing you a happy Repeal Day! Today is the 74th anniversary of the establishment of the 21st Amendment, and the end of 18th Amendment to the Constitution.

Go out and drink somethin’ deliciously alcoholic tonight. Or right now, if you want to. You’re an adult. You can handle it.

Ken walked into my cube. “Ready for lunch?”

I nodded, stood. Slipped my iPhone into my pocket. Put on my coat. Picked up my laptop bag… Stopped.

I laughed, “Why am I taking this?” I asked, and put the bag back, feeling the weight of my iPhone.

Ken stared at me. “I think your laptop just cried a little on the inside.”

Tonight I locked my laptop into my FlexCar, had to call them to remote unlock it, with my new iPhone battery almost dead (’cause I’d been showing it off all day).

I waited on hold for 5 minutes in the pouring rain and finally got through… and they were able to unlock the car and I was on my way.

On the way home I stopped at the grocery store… and discovered that I had left my debit cart in the ATM two hours previously. A busy, downtown ATM on the old bus mall. I couldn’t call the bank right away because the iPhone was nearly dead. I had to rush home to charge the phone. And while I rushed, I kept trying to a) calm myself the fuck down so I could drive safely, and b) kept imagining all the various ways I could get fucked over if someone had been using my debit card for the past 2+ hours.

I was able to get through to the bank. They canceled the card, and issued me a new one. I can go to any branch tomorrow and get a temporary card to use until the replacement arrives. No suspicious charges were showing online.

All is well. All will be well.

…so why do I still feel like a marked man? I’m still shaken from the Thanksgiving accident…

Fuck it. I’m still going out tonight.

The world is going to be a sadder place without Evel Knievel in it.

Not much longer, I’m sure, until the Wikipedia folk lock the above page. Here’s the current section I linked to above – your mileage may vary, of course, what with Wikipedia being in a constant state of quantum flux:

Knievel died on November 30, 2007, aged 69. He had been ill for years, suffering from hepatitis C, as well as diabetes and idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Conspiracy?:Eyewitnesses reported seeing Evel accept a dare from Chuck Norris. He died instantly from the blunt force of a roundhouse kick to the head.

We all deal with grief in our own ways, I suppose. It’s always a sad day when a daredevil dies.

Let’s say you’re single, and dating. You’ve met someone who seems cool and smart and who seems to kinda dig you, too. You’re meeting this person for a second or third time, so you’re out at the trendy meeting place. You’re early, and you don’t want to look like you’re bored or anything, so you pull out your iPod and start dancing, silhouetted by the flashy neon lights.

Your date approaches you, you smile at each other, and as you remove your white earbuds from your ears, your date asks:

“Hey, what are you listening to?”

…what’s the most embarrassing song in your music collection that could be playing right then?

Here’s what I think of as my top 5 embarrassing songs, in order from most to least:

1. ABBA – “Dancing Queen”
2. ABBA – “Knowing Me, Knowing You” (tie for first)
3. Kermit the Frog – “The Rainbow Connection”
4. Creed – “One Last Breath”
5. Dan Fogleberg – “Same Old Lang Syne”

I offer them without explanation for your (and my, honestly) enjoyment.

If you’re not single and a parent, here’s a variation: what’s the one song in your music collection that would be the most difficult to explain to your kids?

Feel free to incriminate yourself in the comments. If you dare.