Oh, man

I pigged out (apologies to any actual pigs reading this) last night. Not sure why but, after dinner, I went to Foster’s Market and bought a bag of Doritos ® Blazin’ Buffalo & Ranch ™ Flavored Tortilla Chips (the 99¢ bag), and not just one, not just two, but three delicious donuts – a jelly-filled, a chocolate creme filled, and a bear claw.

So good. Yes, I ate them. All of them.

And I sat and caught up on all the TV I have not been watching, and then I started watching “Almost Famous” (not the director’s cut) and then went to bed early.

This morning, when I counted up the calories I had yesterday, which included a Burgerville Pepper bacon cheeseburger and their Yukon Gold waffle fries… Oh, man. I had more than double the calories that I’m shooting for.

Now I’m sitting here in my running clothes and eyeing the mid-30° F weather outside, knowing I have to go run off some of these donuts and chips and cheeseburgers… and I’m just not feelin’ it.

Time to run.

A window

The internet tells me that it’s currently 46° F in Portland, my hometown, right now.

The internet tells me that it’s currently 70° F in Cancún, Mexico, right now.

That’s a 24° F difference.

Damn, I’m colder just thinking about it.

Mmmm… booze

Remember when our leaders would actually engage the citizens in modifying the Constitution?

Yeah… good times, good times.

What am I talking about, you ask? Why, I’m just wishing you a happy Repeal Day! Today is the 74th anniversary of the establishment of the 21st Amendment, and the end of 18th Amendment to the Constitution.

Go out and drink somethin’ deliciously alcoholic tonight. Or right now, if you want to. You’re an adult. You can handle it.

New new sexy thing

Ken walked into my cube. “Ready for lunch?”

I nodded, stood. Slipped my iPhone into my pocket. Put on my coat. Picked up my laptop bag… Stopped.

I laughed, “Why am I taking this?” I asked, and put the bag back, feeling the weight of my iPhone.

Ken stared at me. “I think your laptop just cried a little on the inside.”

Bad Moon Rising

Tonight I locked my laptop into my FlexCar, had to call them to remote unlock it, with my new iPhone battery almost dead (’cause I’d been showing it off all day).

I waited on hold for 5 minutes in the pouring rain and finally got through… and they were able to unlock the car and I was on my way.

On the way home I stopped at the grocery store… and discovered that I had left my debit cart in the ATM two hours previously. A busy, downtown ATM on the old bus mall. I couldn’t call the bank right away because the iPhone was nearly dead. I had to rush home to charge the phone. And while I rushed, I kept trying to a) calm myself the fuck down so I could drive safely, and b) kept imagining all the various ways I could get fucked over if someone had been using my debit card for the past 2+ hours.

I was able to get through to the bank. They canceled the card, and issued me a new one. I can go to any branch tomorrow and get a temporary card to use until the replacement arrives. No suspicious charges were showing online.

All is well. All will be well.

…so why do I still feel like a marked man? I’m still shaken from the Thanksgiving accident

Fuck it. I’m still going out tonight.

Ballerina, you must’ve seen her

Stormy was cute and flirty. She’d changed her hair – added some red tips to the blonde part. But I just didn’t feel at home at DP like I have been. I don’t know why. It felt like it was me. She asked me about my crash, which was nice. And she was as hot as always. Maybe hotter.

I left early, after only an hour or so. I said to myself, “Stormy rocks. But… Yeah. I’m a customer. Why can’t I meet girls like her out in the real world?”

I drove around for a bit, and then found myself at Everyday Music, the one on Sandy. I still had money to spend and wanted more music. I went in, wandered around, and noticed one of the sales clerks… yeah. She was my height, maybe a little shorter, wearing a black minidress over black leggings and knee-high black boots, and her black hair cut short and shaggy. Late 20s, maybe? You know how bad I am at guessing age, though.

Previous wish, meet reality.

I felt self-conscious and weird, still. I kept thinking I had traces of Stormy’s lipstick on my cheek from her kissing me goodnight. That might be a good thing, though… pre-selection. I rummaged around in the used CD bins and kept finding stuff I wanted but wasn’t exactly cool: ABBA “Gold”, for instance. Or a collection of Donna Summer 12″ dance versions. Eddie Money. Cheap Trick, The Cars. All used. Awesome. As the finds kept coming, I decided to go with it. It became a theme.

And, because I was still thinking of Stormy, I wandered over to the DVDs to look for “Almost Famous”. Pretty eyes. A pirate’s smile…

As I walked past the counter, the girl I’d noticed before was hunched over a computer monitor with the sales dude, and they were giggling conspiratorially. I stopped and looked at them, and peeked around. “Can I see what’s so funny?”

The dude grunted, but the girl smiled and turned the monitor so I could see it. It was some foreign-language video on YouTube, subtitled… strangely. I’ll never be able to find it now, but apparently this guy was demonstrating modern dance styles. It was funny… but not as funny to me as it was to this girl. I laughed, and left to look for the movie. The store was closing in 10 minutes.

I found a used copy of “Almost Famous”. Score.

I headed back to the registers, and now the girl was by herself, still watching stuff. This time it was some British comedy clip, an actor repeating “Hey!” over and over again… and this time, it was funny. It was funny because the joke is run into the ground. A very special kind of funny. A humor that slowly takes hold and builds up, the same way a good pad Thai builds up in spiciness. I smiled… then I chuckled… and then, suddenly, I was laughing out loud, right along with the girl.

“Nobody else here thinks that’s funny!” she said. I laughed, and thanked her, then looked around to see where I could buy my CDs and movie. “Oh, I will help you!” she said, and took my pile of goods.

She held up “Almost Famous” and said, “That’s an awesome movie.”

“I agree completely.”

She led me to the cash register.

Another tattooed, black-haired girl walked in and was promptly told that the store was closing soon.

The sales clerk girl looked at me, “Have you ever seen the director’s cut?” I shook my head. “Don’t!” she warned. “It will ruin the movie for you. It did for me.”

“Really? Ruined it? I have to say that I’m dying of curiosity now. But I want to trust you… complete stranger. And I love this movie. I don’t want it ruined for me.”

“I’m just saying that I like editors. Editors are a good thing.”

The other girl, with some kind of heart-and-rose tattoo peeking out from the top of her white t-shirt, returned to the counter and asked about some band I’ve never heard of. The sales girl told her that she should look in Hip-Hop… or Electronica… No, definitely Hip-Hop.

The tattooed girl noticed the movie I was buying. “That’s an awesome movie.”

“I agree completely,” I said.

“Have you seen the director’s cut?” the sales girl asked the tattooed girl.

“Yeah.”

“Did you like it?” the sales girl asked, incredulous.

“Yeah… It was OK.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. What parts didn’t you like?”

The sales girl looked at me, then back at the tattooed girl. “Well, maybe I’m wrong,” she said in a tone of voice that made it seem as if she wasn’t admitting she was wrong at all, “maybe it’s OK. I’m just saying that I didn’t like it.”

I felt like she was still protecting me, by specifically not talking about the scenes which were added in, scenes which had the potential to completely ruin this movie for me. “Thank you,” I said.

And wandered back out into the rain, with my purchases.

Oh, and later, Sharai invited me to a benefit at a lesbian bar.

Rocket man

The world is going to be a sadder place without Evel Knievel in it.

Not much longer, I’m sure, until the Wikipedia folk lock the above page. Here’s the current section I linked to above – your mileage may vary, of course, what with Wikipedia being in a constant state of quantum flux:

Knievel died on November 30, 2007, aged 69. He had been ill for years, suffering from hepatitis C, as well as diabetes and idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Conspiracy?:Eyewitnesses reported seeing Evel accept a dare from Chuck Norris. He died instantly from the blunt force of a roundhouse kick to the head.

We all deal with grief in our own ways, I suppose. It’s always a sad day when a daredevil dies.

Most embarrassing song?

Let’s say you’re single, and dating. You’ve met someone who seems cool and smart and who seems to kinda dig you, too. You’re meeting this person for a second or third time, so you’re out at the trendy meeting place. You’re early, and you don’t want to look like you’re bored or anything, so you pull out your iPod and start dancing, silhouetted by the flashy neon lights.

Your date approaches you, you smile at each other, and as you remove your white earbuds from your ears, your date asks:

“Hey, what are you listening to?”

…what’s the most embarrassing song in your music collection that could be playing right then?

Here’s what I think of as my top 5 embarrassing songs, in order from most to least:

  1. ABBA – “Dancing Queen”
  2. ABBA – “Knowing Me, Knowing You” (tie for first)
  3. Kermit the Frog – “The Rainbow Connection”
  4. Creed – “One Last Breath”
  5. Dan Fogleberg – “Same Old Lang Syne”

I offer them without explanation for your (and my, honestly) enjoyment.

If you’re not single and a parent, here’s a variation: what’s the one song in your music collection that would be the most difficult to explain to your kids?

Feel free to incriminate yourself in the comments. If you dare.