Sadness continues

Smacky has been missing since Wednesday morning. Those of you who follow my twitters already are aware; I think this is my first mention here, though. It’s very sad. I woke up Wednesday morning to find a hole chewed in one of the front room screens, and no sign of my grumpy black cat. No sign now for four days. Thursday night, when I went out for a run, I looped around the streets close to me to scout out and see if I could find him. In a way I hoped I wouldn’t because I feared he would be dead. But I didn’t find him at all. It’s not impossible that he may still return; last time he got out, he was missing for a week.

I haven’t put up posters; I waited a few days to see if he would return right away, and now I haven’t really got the energy. It’s just one more thing on top of the other feelings of depression.

And about those feelings… My apologies to the many who sang of love’s hurt, but I think it’s truth that hurts more.

I’ve had a true thought bouncing around my brain for weeks, since before my road trip. And it hurts. It’s undeniably true; it’s not a matter of perspective or only true sometimes or something one has to take on faith or based on a feeling that may or may not be true; even though the thought is about human interactions, it’s still about as true as such a statement can be.

Since the true thought causes me pain, of course, what I want most is to make it stop. My first impulse is to spit it out. Type it out here, bluntly. Maybe by speaking it aloud I can stunt its ability to cause me pain. I can try to unload it from my brain, or split it in half, lessen its power.

However, the thought is about my friends, and I know that if I were to type it out here, or even say it in person, no matter how I phrased it or tried to minimize its impact, that my friends would be hurt, too, and would likely react in anger. I believe that’s because of the truth of the statement; they wouldn’t be able to deny that it’s true at all, and yet would still feel a need to try to justify the thought, and what conclusions one can extend from the thought.

And that’s part of the problem; I already know the justifications and explanations that surround this thought. And, what’s more, I agree with them. I know that the situation is exactly as it is for many good valid reasons, reasons that make sense to me, to my friends, to society as a whole. In fact, for what the true thought says about my friends, it shows them in their best light, at least as far as society sees things. But it still hurts.

The flip side of that, though, is that the true thought can then be used as a kind of rhetorical lever against me, and my position, and my values and my value to society. This is the logical bomb that lurks inside the true statement; for while the statement may be 100% absolutely without fail true, about many things… still it may hide an untruthful thought about me. Maybe mask is a better choice of verb: it may mask a truth about me.

Because that’s the lesson I need to learn right now, I believe. The universe is as it is; it exists independently whether I’m observing it or not. And the events and objects and people and interactions all undeniably happen and exist. That’s what’s real.

What I think about that universe, those events, those objects and the people who live, act, use and interact with it all… that’s entirely up to me. Once again, the universe is unable to be changed; I’m the one who must change to accommodate its truth. In this case, the change is one of a point of view; the true statement continues to be true, about everyone but me, and I need to re-evaluate my relationship to the statement and therefore my value as a person. Because meaning doesn’t exist separately from consciousness; no, we conscious beings create meaning in our brains and then assign it to the universe.

I’m in control of the meaning of my life. That’s scary, but also empowering.

If only I can accept that power…