Not sure what to write about tonight. I’m still committed to posting something every day, of at least 500 words, but tonight I don’t really have a specific topic in mind. Every so often I allow myself to be vulnerable and post about my fears, my worries, my anxieties. Every so often, but in realizty, these days, I feel those fears, worries, and anxieties every single day.
I consider myself an atheist. I believe that there’s only one kind of stuff in the universe, a position described as materialism. That position can be opposed by dualism, the idea that we, conscious beings, are made of two kinds of things: body, and spirit; likewise, the universe is composed of nature, and supernature. Science and magic. And those two kinds of things operate by different rules. That is not my belief. It’s all one kind of thing, and it can all be understood, even if we do not currently understand all of it.
Therefore when I am afraid, worried, anxious, my philosophy won’t allow for me to believe that I am unlucky. Luck and unluck are magic, you see. That’s not a materialist view. Luck isn’t affected by chemistry or physics. Luck is influenced by desire; it’s influenced by intention; it’s influenced by karma. Luck is magic and I don’t allow myself to believe in magic.
No, my bad thoughts are all mine. They’re the product of the chemicals in my brain. My circumstances are the direct result of every decision I’ve ever made, the long chain of decisions leading down the pathway of my life stream to this point, here, today, now, that I find myself in. It’s all me. It’s all my fault. Can’t pin this on luck, or fate, or large forces, good or bad, that exist beyond space or time. Nope. It’s me, I’m the problem, it’s me.
But wow wouldn’t it be great if magic did work? Wouldn’t it be great if I could send private thoughts to a power greater than all of us, and they would receive those thoughts and then direct spiritual, supernatural energy that can’t be measured or otherwise detected, back into the universe to reshape things in my favor? I know this sounds like I’m being snarky, but I’m not. This is sincere: it would in fact be great if that would work, because like everyone else on this planet, I would really prefer it if my intentions could magically become reality and improve my life and the lives of those I love (which is everyone, everywhere, but that’s just my leftist communism talking.)
No, my intentions are just the starting point. I need to actually take steps to turn those intentions into actions, and make sure I keep showing up and applying myself to those actions, and make sure that the actions stack up in a good way to create the outcomes I want.
How fucking tiresome it is. But that’s the reality I see when I look out into the universe. As nice as it would be were it otherwise. In fact, the TikTok algorithm, itself a product of several sciences — hardware design, software programming, sociology and behaviorial science, to name a few — has clearly marked that internal struggle of mine to resist magical thinking, and has started showing me videos of folks doing tarot readings, or saying that if I use a specific sound within minutes of hearing it, that things will turn around for me. And in moments of weakness, I’ve done those things. I’ve used those sounds, I’ve posted to my story, I’ve clicked the buttons and typed the word “claimed” into the comments. Some of those videos are very specific. They say that things will turn around for me by 1:43 PM tomorrow, or that I will come into money, that I will have a way out, if only I just… interact with their video, all praise to the mighty algorithm, hallelujah, fill in the blank.
I didn’t and haven’t, though, come into the money they said I was supposed to receive. My life hasn’t magically turned around. She didn’t come back into my life to be with me forever. I’m still here, trying to sort out my problems myself, or with the help of my friends and family. It’s still me, and the natural world.