Tonight I am feeling many things and maybe, just maybe, writing about them will help me sort them out. Bear with me, this might just be personal ramblings and thoughts. I’m warning you up front; feel free to skip this one if it doesn’t interest you. This one’s for me.
It’s been a busy couple of days. That emergency I mentioned before is almost completely fixed; I still have some things to take care of but I have all the information and pieces I need to do that. But the stress of it is still with me, worrying about why it happened, and if I could have done anything to prevent it, and why it had to happen right now, alongside all the other things in my life I’m dealing with. Philosophically, as I’ve mentioned before, I don’t think bad or good things happen to me for some unknown reason. Things just happen and I get to decide how I react to them. But it is stressful to have to deal with several different minor crises at the same time.
The other minor crisis is the job hunt. I have been interviewing lately and that’s a good thing because eventually interviews should, under normal circumstances, lead to a job offer. But it’s been many months of searching, and many interviews, and I’m a bit tired of the process and wishing it was over. I do feel a sense of duty to show up, though, and I always give the best I can give at any one moment. The anxiety and stress feed my Inner Negative Voice, which tries to trick me into thinking I deserve bad news, but as mentioned I don’t actually believe that. All that Inner Negative Voice does is wear me down and tire me out and get me to lower my defenses against hopelessness. I’m stronger than that.
I’ve survived every bad day life has ever thrown at me. And I’ll survive many more. I’m not done yet, not by a long shot.
Might just need some rest, though. As soon as I’ve gotten this post to ~500 words, I’ll do that.
The other crisis is my dad’s living situation. He’s still staying with me, and I’m happy and glad to spend time with him and provide him with a place to stay while his living space is being repaired. But seeing him deal with the process of aging, and seeing how his health is declining (rightfully so, since he’s lived a long life already, full of all the things life can throw at someone), it’s eye-opening and… tragic? Tragic feels like the right word. He and I haven’t always gotten along, worse when I was much younger, but we have gotten to a good place in recent years, and I… I don’t want to think about him not being here. I’m not ready for that. I’ll just enjoy the time I do get to spend with him. I’m glad he’s here, in multiple senses of the word here. Here in my apartment, here in my life, here on the right side of the dirt, as he’s fond of saying.