Content warning: philosophical thoughts about the end of life
It is the last day in July as I write this. The sun is sinking in the sky, and it looks like there’s some color to the sunset; the tree tops I can see from my office window are the bright green of summer but tinged with orange. If I were more concerned with beauty and aesthetics I’d get up, go outside, and watch the sunset. Who knows when the next one will be? We are never promised more than this moment, no matter how much we wish for more tomorrows. This could be the final moment, the last sunset, the final day.
Intellectually I understand that. Though like many people, most people I think, I have to redirect my attention to the idea that my end will happen, ain’t no two ways about it. My brain doesn’t like to think about it; it requires effort to bring it to mind. I have to push the idea into frame. OK, sorry, I know these metaphors are all over the place; this is a first draft. I would shape these metaphors and images better if I allowed myself a second draft.
Funny how I tried to write about being in the moment and facing death and somehow, my brain slid the idea of second chances into the conversation. Hey, my mind says to me, as if it were a separate person, what about trying again? Taking a mulligan, starting over? Re-writing what was already written, polishing it, making it shine. Cutting out the boring bits, adding new exciting bits. Tightening up the flow of ideas. Making the whole into a cohesive story. Beginning, middle, end, amen.
I would say to my mind, ain’t no such thing as second chances when it comes to life. I get this moment, and this next one, and the next one, until I get no more moments at all. I can’t go back and do one over again. I can worry about past moments, and future moments, but all the worry in the world won’t change what happened and won’t make something new happen. Once we’ve acted, the results stand; and only actions can change the outcome of the arrow of time.
So this is the first 31st of July in 2024 that I’ve ever had, and it will be the last one. There are only possible, potential future 31sts of July from here on out. Where will I be, assuming I make it to those future 31sts of July? Will I be the same person? Will the world be much the same, just one year farther along? Or will it all change? I don’t know, and if someone else tells you that they know, reader, they are lying to you.
What do I want future Brian to know about this particular day? Future Brian, today was a good day at work. My coworkers are kind and thoughtful; Andy, knowing I would have to work through my lunch, offered me a granola bar from his stash so I would have a snack to tide me over. Hunter typed a message to me in Teams so sarcastic it made me laugh out loud. Jim gave me praise for how I handle tough calls at work in front of everyone else.
My dad offered me ice cream tonight; he stopped at the Dairy Queen on his walk back from the bar.
Tracy, ever present, kept me company by text, as always. A comforting electronic presence.
My friend Christi needed help, and I could help her, so of course I did. I know that if the situation were reversed, she would help me, no questions asked.
And the sunset was pretty, even the small part of it I could see.
I finished my ice cream (Cherry Bordeaux), I finished this post, and I know that I did my best today.