Category: General

Random Followup 1 May 2024

General

I am not entirely sure I have anything specific I can talk about tonight. Let’s do a quick roundup of random followup!

Haven’t been sleeping well. Bad dreams. Stressed. Still looking for work – please send me job postings for desktop support, customer support, system or network admin jobs, anything in that wheelhouse. Would love a remote job or something in the Portland area (not really keen on relocating.)

Dodgers are doing well lately. As I write this they’re up 6-0 against the Arizona Diamondbacks. I was mad at them for how clumsily they handled Shohei Ohtani’s first home run ball as a Dodger but now I’m back to normal fandom levels.

Dad’s on his Alaskan cruise and it’s been quiet around here. I did laundry today and I’d like to do some cleaning before he gets back.

Still upset at how brutally the student protestors are being treated, in Portland and all over the country. Right-wing insurrectionists get gentle treatment and bus rides from the cops; students get riot gear, beatings, and raids. Goes to show where our leadership’s priorities lie.

Had a good stream tonight. I was nervous all day but once I started playing I got in to the game. Doing a good karma run, so I treated Gob with respect, helped Micky out with purified water, and am doing Moira’s quests for the Wasteland Survival Guide. I tried to help Leo kick his chem habit but I didn’t have enough Speech even though it gave me a 49% chance. Ah, well, them’s the breaks. Did fix all the water pipes, though. And all that good karma got me a visit from the jerk Talon mercs, which led to my first death. I don’t think anyone was watching the stream when it happened, though…

Need to find some royalty free music so I can mod my Fallout game to where I can use the in-game radio. I miss Three Dog! When I find enough music and get it working I’ll write up a post with instructions for anyone else to follow.

Want to do another stream this weekend but can’t schedule it until I know when dad is returning because I have to be ready to pick him up from the airport, and dad didn’t share his itinerary with me.

Mallrats is going to be my next View Askew review. It appears to only be available for rent or purchase, not on one of the streaming services I already pay for, unfortunately. I’ll watch it tonight or tomorrow and report back here with a mini-review.

Tomorrow my major plans are: modding Fallout 3, looking for jobs, and posting more battlemaps for pay-what-you-want on my Ko-Fi page. Rise and grind, am I right?

My car is still running well. I need to top up the antifreeze/coolant, and there’s a minor issue of the windshield sprayer not working on the driver’s side, but that Check Engine light has not come back on. That’s fixed, I’m sure of it.

Rambling to Refocus

Daily Story Project, General

I’m just so tired lately. And by lately I mean all the time. Can’t remember a time when I wasn’t tired, but that might just be the chronic depression talking. Stop talking, chronic depression! I’m trying to write here.

The apartment has been quiet all day, because dad is away on vacation. I’ve really gotten used to having him around after just a month. I had to make my own coffee this morning. Normally he would get up before me and put on a pot of coffee, but not today. I made breakfast, went up to my computer and messed around on there. Again, normally, on a Monday, I’d be looking for jobs I can apply for, but not having dad here threw me off. Lack of another person around means a temporary loss of focus.

Usually my focus is good. I’m just in a down phase right now. I will get back to my usual self.

Well, also, my unemployment benefits have run out, which you would think would motivate me to look harder but it’s had a demoralizing effect on me. I’ve never been on unemployment long enough to have them run out. I can usually land something in 6 months or less. Not this time. The recruiters I’ve worked with have all said it’s brutal out there, especially in the tech sector, which I am, so apparently it’s not just me.

Streaming, and working on my blog, is part of a small effort on my part to get some side income. Which is the primary reason I’m writing a post tonight instead of just calling it a day and going to bed early. Here I am, showing up.

I want to rewrite my resume to try to consolidate and highlight specific skills. That’s one job hunting step I can take. Also I should try to remember and document specific measurable successes I’ve had across my jobs, but, honestly, I rarely took note of those things until very recently. I will have to drill down, though, and see what I can recall or pull from old notes and emails.

I shouldn’t get too discouraged. One thing about me is that I never really give up. I may stop for a while but I will always return to anything important and keep going. My persistence and determination is a primary trait. I can do it.

If any employers are reading this, I want you to know that I am a problem solver. I never give up when I’m focused on a task. Even if something is outside of my past experience, I know how to research and find answers to existing issues. I may not know the answer but I know how to find answers. It’s the process of solving problems that is the important part.

This ramble is part of my process. I’m writing out my thoughts and sorting out where I am, mentally, and where I’d like to be. Bear with me while I recalibrate and refocus. Thanks for your patience.

Memories of Uncle Don

Daily Story Project, General

Found out today that a favorite uncle, Uncle Don, is on hospice care. He’s in his 90s, so it’s somewhat expected. Still sad, though.

Don, a 90 year old white man wearing a broad-brimmed hat and a coat, smiling, next to a middle-aged white man with a black stocking cap, glasses, and a coat, outside, with a background of green leaves behind them.
Uncle Don, and me, at his 90th birthday celebration, May 28th 2022. Photo Credit Bob Moon

Just two years ago the family gathered in Hoyt Arboretum to celebrate his 90th birthday, and his wife, Helen’s, 80th. We were all encouraged to get up and tell stories about Uncle Don and Aunt Helen. This was the story I told that day.

I saw the movie Alien twice in the local theater with friends opening weekend. I was in high school. A fan of sci-fi and horror. I loved it. A couple of weeks later Uncle Don and Aunt Helen were visiting my parents while I was around, and mentioned that they wanted to go see Alien, since it was playing nearby. Would I like to go with them? Of course I would!

We sat in the balcony (remember when theaters had balconies? I loved the balcony) up near the front edge. They both knew that it was a horror flick so they were delightedly anticipating the suspense. I tried, oh, how I tried, to keep my reactions to myself. But… I couldn’t. I knew what was coming and my teenage brain and body were winding me up as the movie progressed.

And I basically spoiled the Big Scene (you know the one) because, even having seen it before, I was scrunching down in my seat, hiding in anticipation behind my giant soda and popcorn, as the crew of the Nostromo were enjoying a nice meal.

My aunt Helen kept asking me, “what’s wrong? Are you OK?” And when It Happened (YouTube link, spoilers for the movie, fair warning) she was looking at me, not the screen. She was startled by the sound (terrific sound design on that movie, among other things) and nearly lept out of her skin.

After I was done recounting the story at the birthday gathering, both Don and Helen thanked me for sharing. They remembered the incident vividly. I again apologized. They accepted it and even forgave me.

Here’s to you both, Don and Helen. Love you both, lots.

The reason

Daily Story Project, General, meta

I forgot to write a 500 word post yesterday. I guess 10 is the number to beat going forward. Like many of my similarly-brained cohort, I’m a perfectionist and stickler for detail, so missing a day when I was aiming for a long unbroken streak is like a pebble in my shoe, a ringing in my ear, a mote in my eye. Irritating, nagging, infernal. I felt a flood of emotion when I realized a day had passed without me meeting the goal I had set for myself.

The streak is broken. I failed. It’s over. Might as well stop trying. I’m no good. I can’t do this. Why bother?

Why bother? Why am I doing this in the first place? What was my reason, and does missing a day invalidate that reason?

OK, then. The reasons I started this new daily streak. Let’s dig in.

I’ve done this before. There’s a tag on this post that I’ve used before, “Daily Story Project“. It’s been a thing on this blog going back a long way. I keep trying to do this. I read about streaks, I live for streaks. Keeping a streak going is sometimes all the motivation I need to keep doing a thing. There are folks out there like Jonathan Mann who has written a song every day for (as I type this) for 16 years and 103 days; 5,581 days in a row. That’s impressive! On one level it’s a challenge to see if I could create something new using my preferred method of creating (writing) for even a tenth as long, even 1% as long.

The only thing I’ve done daily is… I was going to say “wake up and get out of bed” but then I remember days, bad brain days, where I did not get out of bed. I couldn’t tell you my longest streak, though; that’s not something I keep track of. For the better, of course.

If I weren’t just trying to hit 500 words right now I’d go look up the longest once-a-day streak I’ve ever maintained on this blog. But I don’t really care. A reason I’m doing this is to add to this blog, to see who will come if I build it, to turn the Field of Dreams tagline around a bit. But that’s writing for others. I write for myself. If having an audience was important to my creativity this would be a very different place. Here, I write whatever I want. I write for me.

The primary reason I’m doing this is to build up a habit. Just keep going. Give myself permission to do it without friction. No obstacle, only flow. So failing to hit that daily goal is the only obstacle that matters to me. I hate it. It means I took my mind off the target. It means I got distracted. It means that whatever was happening in my brain that day did not get recorded, and you can’t change or grow unless you pay attention. At least, you can’t notice change or growth without keeping track, monitoring, observing, measuring.

I write in order to measure. That’s why. If I miss a day, I missed a measure. But I can keep going.

unasked, bursting

fear, General
Picture of a street corner at sunset, with the Charles Bukowski quote in the caption overlaid
Photo credit: Brian Moon, taken 6 March 2014, Sellwood, Portland, OR

if it doesn’t come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don’t do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don’t do it.

– Charles Bukowski, “So you want to be a writer?”

    Work numbers need context

    General

    I started a new job this week, after a long 4 months unemployed. I was very picky about where I applied, and I think the results speak for themself. It’s early, but I think I’m going to be very happy where I’m at. It’s a contract position and I’m doing my best to angle for getting picked up as a full employee.

    How, you might ask? Well, here’s a little story. The hiring manager made it pretty clear that they’re hiring a temp to help them clear out a backlog of tickets and computer deployments. The team has been overwhelmed with projects and has fallen behind. I’ve taken that to heart; I sold myself as someone who has a lot of experience in both basic help desk stuff and getting computers out the door.

    The hiring manager (let’s call him M) has been checking in with me at the end of every day, and before my last call with him on Friday, I decided to take a look at my stats. Wanted to have something concrete for him. I discovered that I had handled 47 tickets so far; 13 of them were still open (waiting for the users to get back to me.) That’s not all that I’ve done, though. I know there are tickets that I’ve passed off to others. I don’t have full admin rights yet, and I don’t have access to all of the tools the other techs have. But that’s the number of tickets assigned to me, closed and open: 47.

    I have no idea what that means in context, though. How many tickets do other techs have? What’s a normal day, or a normal week, look like? In my meeting, I mentioned this, and M looked impressed. So it felt like a good thing. Afterward, I checked in with the team lead, L. They said, “a busy week for us is 60-70 new tickets coming in.”

    And I’ve handled 2/3 to 3/4 of that number? Oooook, that… yeah, that seems good.

    Just trying to make myself useful, here, y’know?

    Election Day

    General

    How can I think about anything at all other than the election? And the consequences of that election. And the potential outcomes. And my predicted outcome, which is that the tangerine tyrant will continue in office while the ostensible opposition party rages ineffectively, while the rest of America descends into (even more) violence. That’s all I’ve been imagining for months, going back to last year when the election season kicked off. The Democratic Party leadership seems, and continues to seem to me, to be completely unable or unwilling to challenge the GOP, and therefore the GOP is going to do whatever they like, including installing a fraudulent judge on the highest court in the land, supporting and defending an authoritarian nightmare in the Executive, and ignoring two centuries of precedent and rule in the Legislative in order to hold on to power.

    Meanwhile, the D’s seem content to pretend everything is normal and that normal Robert’s Rules of Order will prevail if only they can keep doing what they’ve always done, ignoring the rioting citizens and the freshmen Congressfolk who want to kick ass and take names in favor of collegiality.

    And people die, from the plague, and from the hands, guns, and vehicles of the right-wingers who pretended to want to eliminate fascist government but now take action to uphold and defend it by killing people who just want everyone to be treated like a human being.

    I’m in a dark place this Election Day. It would be beautiful if our votes actually turned things around this time. If we could, in an overwhelming, unprecedented majority, reject the GOP and turn them back. The pundits keep talking about the amazing pre-election turnout across the country, but they are also reporting on the unprecedented levels of voter intimidation, voter suppression, and outright overt actions to simply prevent votes from being made and to not count all the votes. It would be beautiful if basic democracy could overcome all this, the result of decades of work by the GOP towards the goal of power and nothing but, of Realpolitik.

    I want that to happen, but I don’t have any hope that it will. I’ve done all I can do in my small circles. I’ve argued, I’ve donated what money I can, I’ve voted. Today, for once, I’d like to rest, because I have a feeling that the fight isn’t over, and I’ll be needed tomorrow. I see a war coming. Wait, that’s not right. I see we’re already in a war, but the election is going to kick it into a higher gear. Things are already dangerous (for some Americans it has always been this dangerous) but I have the feeling it’s going to get even more so. Tyrants don’t let go of power easily, and it’s rarely the tyrants’ whose blood is spilled in order to get them to leave. I may or may not be safe, but my conscience does not let me rest while others are in harm’s way, so

    how can I think about anything at all other than the election?

    A Lack of Vision

    General
    A kitten peers out from behind a wall, only one eye visible.
    It’s hard to find royalty-free images of blind kittens, you know?

    Dreamt last night that…

    Look, I know that other people’s dreams aren’t always the most interesting to read. It’s just that I haven’t had the energy to write much at all lately, but this morning, for some reason, my fingers itched to tap out something, and I had this weird image stuck in my head from the moment my eyes opened, and I’m taking advantage of it.

    Journeys begin with a single step, and all that. Y’know?

    So in my dream, I adopted a tiny baby kitten with one eye. A little floof, all awkward movement and meows, grey or maybe black, and it had exactly one eye, it’s right eye. The other eye wasn’t damaged or anything; there was just blank fur on the other side, like nothing was even meant to go there.

    And this little kitten was very devoted to me. It would follow me around, up and down the stairs in my apartment, always wanting to be near, in what would normally be un-cat-like behavior.

    As I went about my daily routine for hours, in dream-time, although it was more likely a montage of feelings and images, I’d reach out to pet its fur, and it would curl up next to me, or in my lap, or even climb up on my shoulders.

    It was scooting around near my feet, and I was afraid of kicking it or stepping on it, so I reached down to pick it up, and… I fumbled briefly, it started to turn around, and… I popped its one eye off. Dream logic.

    I distinctly remember an audible sound, a cork in a bottle coming free, and I saw the eye fly in an arc away, bounce off the floor, and roll randomly.

    The kitten did not seem in pain, but it was suddenly confused, mewing, head scanning back and forth. It, and I, did not understand what had just happened. I apologized profusely, and carried it with me in the direction of the eyeball’s escape. I found a small box filled with things, and I rooted around among the contents, and did not find the kitten’s eyeball, but did find a package of googly eyes. You know the ones, they sell them in craft stores, little bubbles of plastic with a round black disk in them, and a sticker on the back for sticking to things.

    I opened the package and got out two, peeled the protective tape from the back, and carefully stuck them on to the kitten’s face. And, again, dream logically, it could suddenly see again. It looked clownish and more than a little odd. But I’d given it vision again.

    I had repaired the damage I’d done, but in a temporary or off-putting way. That’s the feeling I get from this dream. My intentions are good, but I’m just not quite up to the task of doing the thing being asked of me. Inadequate. Ineffective. Over my head.

    These are strange days, my fellow quaranteers. Strange days, indeed.

    More Kindness

    General

    We made it, everyone! We made it to the Gregorian year 2020, a year I’ve mostly associated with cyberpunk and dystopian futures… bad news, this is pretty much the dystopian cyberpunk future William Gibson warned us about. But there’s still some cause for hope. At least, I still have hope.

    I rarely do “resolutions” because they are sources of stress for me when I fail to keep them. The only resolution I made for the past two years is one I’ve learned from Dave Gonzalez, podcast host of The Storm: don’t fall down. It’s simple, straight-forward, positive in nature, and there’s no big stakes riding on its success or failure. And for 2019, I made it! I did not fall down at all last year. I’ll repeat the intention this year, with hopefully successful results, and no great shame if I don’t.

    However, there are things I would like more of in my life this year. Wanting more of something good is normal, and since it’s vague enough, I can just keep these in the back of my mind, and use them to direct me towards better and more enjoyable experiences.

    In 2020, I would like more:

    More reading – Goodreads tells me I read 15 books in 2019. I can read 16 books this year; that seems doable.

    More writing – On my blog, I published 91 posts in 2019, for a total word count of 52,892 words. That’s enough to win a NaNoWriMo, spread out over 12 months instead of one. And that’s with a huge gap in posts at the start of the year. I can write more, and the more I write, the more I seem to have to say.

    More movement – I miss running. If you go back in the archives, you’ll see posts about running on a regular basis; both training runs and races. I want to move more in 2020 than I did in the last year. The Lose It! app on my phone tells me I took 1,352,414 steps last year. Is that a lot? Seems like a lot, but it’s just walking. It’s an average of 3,696 per day. I can do better.

    More cosplay – I enjoy dressing up in costumes to connect to media and entertainment I enjoy. I only really have two costumes at this point: my Fallout Vault-Suit, and my Old Luke Skywalker costume. I have plans for more, and dreams to improve the ones I already have. I am going to Emerald City Comic Con in March, so I have a goal to get started. It’s fun, creative, and social! I want to do it more.

    More travel – I love road trips, I love seeing parts of the world I’ve never seen before, I love getting out of my home town. Last year I think the farthest I traveled was to the coast and back, a couple of times. Travel costs money, though, so that’s a limiting factor. But there are ways to cut down on the costs of that: traveling with someone else, for example. As mentioned above, I’m already planning to visit Seattle in March, so that’s someplace I haven’t seen in a while!

    More live music, more karaoke – I’ve gotten into listening to podcasts a lot, especially when I’m home alone or in my car. I think it’s because I’m a little lonely; having the voices of other people in the background helps me feel less alone. I would like to replace some of that time with listening to music because it stimulates a different part of my brain. In addition, though, I want to go out and sing in public — my birthday last week was spent in a karaoke booth at Baby Ketten Klub with my friends, and I loved it. And some of my favorite memories of 2019 were attending concerts with my friends. Want to do that more. Maybe just wandering from club to club in Portland and finding new music… about which I can also write and post here.

    More kindness – The world needs more of this. We are all connected to each other, in many ways. This seems touchy-feely, but I would much rather push back against the darkness with kindness and compassion than with hatred and anger. Sure, anger is often justified, but can we use that passion for the protection of the vulnerable, and punishment of the abusive powerful (and maybe more of a focus on the former than the latter)?

    What do you want to see more of in 2020? I’ll leave my comments open for a few days. Feel free to say hello and drop a note!

    The Ol’ Double Nickel

    General

    Fifty-five years ago today, I was born, making today the anniversary of my birth, or “birthday” as the day is commonly known.

    Feels weird. Time passes without much effort, but to be honest, for a lot of my life, I never dared to imagine my life beyond the next few days, weeks, or rarely, year. Did not believe I would get this far. Never really thought I would make it past 40, which is now a decade and a half behind me. And yet, here I am.

    I have family, and my found family. I have memories and experiences, a tiny sampling of which are documented on this blog, but many many more lives only in my head. If I wrote 500 words a day, I could not set down all the things I’ve done. Might be fun to try, though. This blog has been going for 16 years, though; I might end up repeating myself.

    And even as I never thought I’d be this old, it is likewise difficult to imagine what I could be like getting even older. I don’t have plans. Is that weird? Very well, I’m weird. Definitely outside of the mainstream. I’m a 55-year-old guy who has never been married (engaged twice, but both times fell through) who doesn’t own a home and has only owned a car for the last 3-4 years out of necessity. I don’t, as it turns out, like to own things, which puts me on the wrong side of capitalism.

    I have my dreams and thoughts but no clue how to achieve them. I have my skills at computer repair and troubleshooting, my writing habits, and the desire to create: podcasts, videos, cosplay. I have this domain, with which maybe I could turn into some cash flow, but, again, not the faintest idea where to start with that.

    I don’t have a cat, though I’d like one. The last one I had was a handful and eventually ran off, sadly.

    I have a job and a boss who says he believes in me. That’s nice, and a good thing. It’s a good job, and my boss is an ethical and decent man. My co-workers are all good people, too.

    I have a beard that many people say they like. It’s fun to keep it trimmed and neat and clean and oiled, though I imagine I’m going to be shaving it off when the weather turns warm.

    This is turning in to an inventory. What else do I have? I don’t know. You tell me. What am I known for? If you’re reading this, what is your sense of me? I always feel like I reveal too much, but maybe that’s just my natural caution and anxiety. Maybe I haven’t explained who I am at all. Or maybe what you get from what I write is very different than what I think I say. I would be very interested to know your thoughts. I’ll turn on comments for the next few days.

    Happy birthday to me. Tonight I’m meeting my closest friends for dinner and then karaoke. That’s the perfect celebration of another trip around the sun, in my eyes at least. Here’s to another, and another, and as many more as I can get.