Category: General

Tracy’s gone ’round the sun 54 times today

General

Today is my bestie’s birthday. Tracy, I hope today was your best day yet, but not your best day ever. Many more and better to come!

I was going to write about the misunderstanding that pretty much sparked Tracy and my friendship, a friendship that has lasted for more than 24 years, but it turns out I’ve already written about it, briefly, at the start of this post, back in 2007:

Dream time

It’s a good post, but the focus there isn’t on Tracy, which is what it should be on her birthday.

When Tracy and I first became friends, we each admired the other’s honesty and bluntness. We quickly found out that we could safely say whatever was on our mind to each other, good or bad, and the other one would not take it the wrong way or get upset. Well, most of the time. But it was easier with each other than it was for other friendships, at least for my part.

Tracy was religious when we first met, and she might still be, but back then, to her, religious meant Christian, and specifically that weird modern American evangelicalism. It was the culture she was in, more than any kind of philosophy that she’d examined and concluded was right for her. And because of that, when she found out that I was an atheist, she was curious. She told me once that I was the first athiest she had ever known in her life. So she would ask me about it.

My memories of those conversations are fuzzy now. It’s entirely possible that I was overly proud of my rational lack of belief in God, or any gods, in a way that I would personally find insufferable if someone did that to me, today. But I liked Tracy, and we worked together, and so I worked really hard to just explain what I thought about things, and not poke Tracy’s beliefs that much. I do remember that she was surprised that I had actually read the Bible, in at least two editions, cover-to-cover. I pointed out that Christians don’t tend to read the Bible the way someone reads a novel, they study it, in sections, lead by a pastor or other authority figure, who picks out passages and explains the meaning they want the Bible Study Group to understand.

And over the years, Tracy has lost that specific kind of American Christianity worldview. I’m sure she believes there’s something out there, but she’s also aware that it’s probably not the evangelical conception of God. The world we live in is bigger than that.

I wish I could remember those conversations because those were the moments where I really got to understand Tracy. She’s got a big heart, and endless curiosity, and also a strong sense of justice. And infinite loyalty to people she sees as worthy, which, astonishingly, includes me, somehow. I’m a mess, and selfish, and weird, but she’s always got my back.

And I have hers. I would never knowingly let her down. She’s the best bestie.

If you’re reading this, take a moment to send Tracy some good thoughts. It’s not prayer, probably. Just positive vibes.

Right now, in this moment

General

Back to the job hunt today. Yesterday was a holiday so there weren’t that many jobs posted I would qualify for. Today I found a few, including at least one where I have a personal reference – one of my friends in my D&D group is a manager at this business and said he’d speak highly of me. Any way I can get past the gatekeepers and gain some kind of advantage, right?

Things are kinda dire but I’m so full of negative energy lately, I don’t want to focus on that right now. I imagine you are as tired of reading about the stress as I am of writing about it. No, I am going to try to be positive.

I’ll start with the basics. Right now, today, I have a roof over my head. I have a comfortable bed to sleep in. I have food to eat, and my health (the cough has cleared up) and I’m able to move my body anywhere I need to go.

I have family and friends who love me. I am involved in fun things to do with my time. I can write and get my words out there for anyone to see. I have the freedom to engage with silly, happy, frivolous things that I enjoy.

For right now, in this moment, I have enough. I am safe. I am surrounded with the love of my inner circle. I am enough. This is enough.

Tomorrow will take care of itself. Yesterday is behind me. Right now, tonight, is what I can focus on.

I am aware there are many many folks out there who do not have what I have, and I acknowledge their pain and their suffering. Right now I know that I have done, and will continue to do, everything I can to help them. My current safety provides me with a base that I can leverage at least some care toward them. I don’t have much, right now, but at least I have that.

We often enjoy stories where one person’s decisions can make a tremendous difference for the lives of many. When it comes to us and our decisions, however, we rarely allow the possibility to effect change. We do have power; each of us, but especially all of us. Working together. As a community. Organized. Strong, in numbers too big to ignore.

It starts, however, with us, individually, moving from our place of comfort in the direction of unity and justice. Before we march side-by-side, we must stand up and be where we are, right now. Stand on steady feet, on stable ground, and pick a path forward. We can do it but we have to think we are capable, first.

I am strong. I am capable. I achieve my goals. My path foward is marked and it is a path I can walk. I start my forward motion from here, where I am now. In relative comfort, with enough to fulfill my needs, and the health and strength to get going.

A listing of recent positive habits

General

Another Saturday night and I ain’t got no… topic to write about. Let me just do some typing for a while and see what comes up. Today has been a slow day for me. Since becoming unemployed and having my dad move in while his space gets remodeled, my days have been bland and blah. I spend 80% of my time in my apartment, only leaving to go grocery shopping, or to get my dad to his appointments. I sit in my computer room looking for jobs I can apply for, rewriting my resume, or zoning out if there’s nothing else going on. Sounds super mentally healthy, huh?

I do carve out some time to work on my D&D game. My next session is next week, and I’m very much looking forward to it. Still need to get a handle on what my players want to do next but I have so many ideas for new plots or advancing the plots they’re interested in that my plot cup runs over, so I’m not worried about having enough material to start the next chapter off with a bang.

All my friends have stayed in touch but have been very hermit-y, if I can steal a word my friend Christi made up but describes exactly how we all feel. Tracy has been dealing with family stuff and work stuff, Christi has been doing work stuff for her business, my sister has been doing work things while also dealing with the house repairs from the January ice storm, my nephew and niece have just been working… we’re all just keeping our heads down and trying to get through to the good times that have to be coming. Right? Good times are coming?

I do manage to get at least 30 minutes of walking outside done a day. That’s been very helpful to get my body moving and get a break from sitting and staring at my screen. Once my cough clears up, and if the weather stops being so gray and rainy, I might start trying to jog-walk again. That was good. I’ve been trying to get at least some fiber-rich food daily, which also helps my body feel like it’s not running on fumes (where by “fumes” I mean “carbs in the form of sugar” mostly.)

Because dad has been helping with groceries we generally always have food in the house, which has also helped with my budget and with nutrition. Before dad got here I would eat out or order expensive delivery all the time, but I don’t do that when he’s here. I do sometimes, rarely, like once-a-week, sneak out to get a burrito or tacos or teriyaki from someplace close by, which makes me feel a little guilty for not sharing with dad. On the other hand, dad also goes across the street to a local bar for booze and sometimes food, so he’s not the only one not eating every meal at home these days. It balances out. Right?

Other habits of course include posting at least 500 words here daily, which is hard sometimes, like tonight, but other times, like last night, incredibly easy and fun and produces a story that I enjoy telling. The slog makes the good posts stand out and feel worth it. This is a habit I like pursuing.

But here’s to better times ahead, folks. Sending love to everyone, no exceptions.

Elegy for the job-searcher

General

Another day behind me. Another night of sleep and bad, anxious dreams ahead of me. Another unknown day after that. My life right now is stuck in place, running hard but not advancing. Sucks, but that’s what is what right now.

I’m astonished at how hard it is to land a job. I got low-balled by a recruiter today. They said they had a position with a client locally, 6 months-to-hire, sent a job description that is 100% a senior desktop system admin job description, and asked me for my “rate” twice. I replied with skepticism, saying it’s odd they’d ask me first if the client has clearly budgeted for this role, but said my floor was $35/hour.

The recruiter replied that they had only budgeted $20/hour, which is barely above minimum wage. I just stopped replying. That’s not enough for a full-time position for me. OK, if they had told me something like $25/hour up front, I would probably have applied, but since they made me name my own price, I clearly wasn’t their candidate. Ah, well.

At this point I would probably accept $22.50 for a part-time job that was close by to home, just to get some income coming in. But if it was full time and had a commute, it wouldn’t be worth it, even if the money would cover some of the bills, because it would leave me exhausted and unable to look for better work. I’ve done that low-wage terrible job before (worked at Target over the holiday season) and it was brutal. A trap, at least for me. I’m already old and out of shape, and those jobs demand a lot of a person. I was lucky in that I had another low-paying job that was slightly less stressful at the time.

I don’t know, maybe I’m being too picky, still, even as the stress and bills are piling up. I just need a break. Some hope. Where’s my good news? I’m out here waiting for it, working for it. I’m applying to every reasonable job in my market and for my skill set, and nothing seems to be happening. Recruiters tell me that it’s brutal out there, and they would know, I think. Recruiters don’t get paid unless they fill positions with people, and if they think it’s brutal it’s a bloodbath.

I’m still here, posting daily, making this place my sounding board, my crying wall, my stake in the ground, my broadway marquee. I have skills, I just need to find someone who will pay for them. Where are you, employers who value customer service, technical troubleshooting, and clear communication and documentation? I’m right here. Discouraged but continuing.

This system is heart-breaking. It wears us down. But for now, it’s the only system we’ve got. While my dream is of a better world, the current world is the one I have to spend my waking hours in. Have to go on, irregardless of the odds and the anxiety. My duty is to remain.

Random Small Updates

General

Not sure what to write about tonight. I’ve started a new post a couple of times but no topic or idea emerged after a couple of hundred words so the other posts just petered out. Maybe what I need to do is string together a bunch of random small updates!

Update one: Streamed Fallout 3 again tonight on my YouTube channel for over two hours. I started out in Minefield and made my way stealthily up the street, picking up frag mines as I went, avoiding the scripted car explosions, and managed to out-snipe the sniper. Got the loot, then died twice exploring the houses and the rest of the town, hilarious. Finished off a couple other Moira’s quests (injuring myself and mole-rat repellent) and left it off after taking out some raiders and super mutants. Sadly, I muted myself at some point in the last hour to cough and forgot to unmute myself. I did end up with four views, though; my most successful stream! Yay!

Next stream is Sunday afternoon, 4 PM Pacific, 26 May, where I will try not to die sneaking past mirelurks. After that, not sure what to do? Should I work on the main quest and try to find Galaxy News Network, or should I dick around with side quests, like Big Town? I’ll decide later.

Screenshot from Fallout 3 showing the protagonist (white boy with glasses, head covered by a motorcycle helment, holding a submachine gun up, along the irradiated Potomac River. The DC ruins are in the background.

I’m in an exercise competition with my friend Christi and normally she kicks my ass. In the past she’s closed every ring twice every day, getting maximum points. This time, we’re basically neck and neck and it’s confusing. We don’t really like to compete, we just do this for motivation. But, y’know, still. My goals are: stand for at least one minute an hour 12 times/day; burn at least 550 active calories per day; exercise for at least 45 minutes per day. I almost always close all my rings, and especially during a competition.

Got a lot of doctor’s appointments for dad coming up. Hazards of getting old, I suppose. He’s grumpy about it but sees the need to keep going. I’m glad he’s here and I want to do whatever I can to help him.

No job prospects lately and it’s depressing as Hell. If you have or know about a position for a system administrator, senior help desk, or customer service agent in Portland or remote, please please please hire me. My resume is posted on my Hire Me page, in fact. I would also consider technical writing positions, copywriting gigs, or whatever you’ve got. Need income fast kthxbye.

I’m sure I’ve posted here previously about XOXO Festival, an art-tech conference held in Portland that showcases independent creators, writers, gamers, and social media stars, and run by the incredibly empathetic and enthusiastic Andy Baio and Andy McMillan. The last one planned was canceled when the pandemic hit, sadly. Well, they’re back for one last time! Coming this summer to Portland with a stellar lineup. I’ve volunteered before and will be volunteering again because a) I can’t afford an actual ticket and b) I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Social media socialism

General

Over on the clock app I’m participating in the “let’s pay each other’s debts off” trend by following people, watching their videos all the way through, reposting them, and commenting on some of them. Engagement. The idea is that creators in the tier that can monetize their videos (if they have over 10K followers) earn money with even short views of their content, and some folks have done the math to know exactly how many qualified views they need to get the money they need to pay off their debts.

I’m participating and hoping I can eventually get paid for views. It would take a big big push for me, though, since I started with about 30 followers. I’m about 10000 short, give or take, from monetizing anything on that app. So it sort of feels like buying a lottery ticket in terms of how likely it is that my barely-maintained short video platform account will ever reach the lofty heights where I could see money from the program.

But I’m one hundred percent OK with helping other people out, so I’ll do my part. As long as I’m scrolling the app, if and when I come across one of those videos, I will let it play, tap some buttons, and say hello before I scroll past. Is it an indictment of our society that the vast majority of videos I see are from moms who are women of color? Seems like an indication of severe wealth inequality to me. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just the algorithm showing me a reflection of my own biases and whatnot.

I’ve never really pursused social media with the idea of getting a huge following. I’m not entirely sure what I’d do if I had one, or how I would react. I think the social media account I had that had the largest following was my Twitter account, which topped out around 1400-ish? And I only got there because I joined in on a follow-fest by a group of writers who would make pushes for members to get over 1000 followers. It felt weird and did not feel organic, whatever that means.

This might be the case where I judge others by their actions and myself by my intentions. There’s a term for that mental blindspot but it’s escaping me at the moment. What I mean is, I see accounts with lots of followers and assume they got that big an audience purely through creating valuable and engaging content, but when I see that I need to join in follow campaigns where I’m getting tons of followers just as a virtuous feedback loop, irrespective of my own personality or content, I feel shame because it feels slimy. Ugh. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself.

This blog is my longest-running project and I have no idea how to grow the audience. On the other hand, if I had to change what I write or the topics I write about in order to get more eyeballs, that would not be worth it to me. I love having a place where I can just write whatever I like.

I’m glad you’re here, in fact. Thank you for reading this. Say hello if you’d like.

I’ll confine my sell-out to the clickety-clock app, I promise.

This is my May 2024 Aurora Borealis post

General

I missed the recent sun storm and subsequent aurora. I feel kind of put out by it but I only have myself to blame.

If you weren’t on the internet for the past 72 hours, the scientists who track such things reported that our sun was in the process of generating a lot of whatever kind of energy it gives off that interact with our planet’s magnetic fields and create colorful wisps of color in our skies at night.

As you can tell I’m extremely comfortable with deep research, and technical jargon. You’re welcome!

By all reports, my home town of the Portland of Oregon was a potential location to view these northern lights Friday night. As it happens, on Friday night I was home and just playing Fallout 3 like I have been lately, so around 10:30p or so I went outside (dad was asleep by then or I would have asked him if he wanted to join me), walked out to the apartment parking lot under the parking lot lights which were on the north side of the parking lot, and looked up. Nothing. Just got my vision washed out with that orangeish halogen light. No aurora for me.

I figured it was a dud. When I woke up the next morning, my social media feeds were filled with pictures people all across the continent had taken of the amazing colorful ribbons of color in the sky. Even people in the Portland of Oregon. Dammit. I’d missed out.

The scientists who predict and track such things said that Saturday night might also be good aurora viewing for people all across the continent, even the Portland of Oregon, so I decided I’d walk out further than my parking lot. I might even get in my car and drive somewhere dark, or somewhere north, like across the river in the Vancouver of Washington. I asked dad, who’s been feeling sick with a cough, if he’d like to go, too, and he said yes.

Fast forward to about 7 PM and my nephew texts me to say he and his friend might be hopping on to play some multiplayer computer games and invited me to join, around 9 PM. I said yes but mentioned the aurora viewing in passing. Well I ended up playing Lethal Company with Max and Luke until after 11 PM, at which point I went downstairs and snuck outside (dad was fast asleep) and wandered around my neighborhood looking for dark places, which honestly felt a little creepy, but it was a warm summer night so there were others out and about, too.

Found a park nearby where I could prop my phone camera against a pole to stabilize it (I hadn’t brought a tripod or anything) and snapped a couple of nearly not-fuzzy pictures of the sky, as unwashed out by nearby lights as I could. The pictures turned out fuzzy and disappointing, but at least I got a nice walk out of it.

When I woke up Sunday morning I discovered that the peak activity for whatever solar radiation the sun emits that interacts with our magnetosphere that causes the northern lights was after midnight, which is when I was in bed, but even then it wasn’t nearly as spectacular as the previous night. I felt both vindicated and disappointed, which is how a lot of my life is going lately.

Not even going to try tonight which means it’s probably going to be the most amazing aurora of the past and future century. You’re welcome!

Strategy process exercise task job

General, meta

I was complaining to my bestie Tracy that I had no idea what I should write about tonight. I’m writing this early because I have a D&D game later, in about an hour and a half. So to make sure I post something, I opened up my text editor and stared at the screen and realized that a) my mind was blank, and b) if I want to write topical posts for a wide variety of audiences, I need to be able to come up with good post ideas, lots of them, quickly.

The downside to having a blog that is just “whatever in the Hell I want to post about” is that I have so many options that it’s like having no options at all. If this were a sports blog, I could just write something about any of the many many many sports games that happened today, or the general news, or follow-up on previous topics. If this was a gaming blog, I could piggy-back off the narrow focus to come up with something to write about. While I am working on a more specific blog (coming soon) this place does not have that restriction. So, sometimes, I sit down and flounder.

Which led me to the idea: write about how to come up with blog post ideas. Easy-peasy! If nothing else I can rant about not feeling creative lately, but if I do a little research, I might come up with a strategy, a process, one that works for me.

Because I’ve been on this new blogging kick, the Algorithm has taken notice and has started to feed me Content about blogging, writing, and freelancing. Earlier today it surfaced a video from a creator about making money using Google News, which got me to click and watch. Turns out, the idea was “find today’s top story on a topic you know about, paste the contents into a Large Language Model (LLM) “paraphraser” (and those should be double-heavy-extra scare quotes, because, really) and then sell that paraphrased article to some other content mill. That’s not something I would do.

I mean, maybe, if my blog were about summarizing news for people, I might take a look at the top headlines and rewrite it myself, but I would absolutely not use an LLM for that. The video creator (whom I will not link because don’t want to encourage that behavior) did say to re-read what you get back from the summarizer, because that’s why they advised finding a topic you know about… still.

But the basic idea of scanning today’s headlines is a good one for finding out what everyone is talking about, I suppose. That would be great if this were a “recent news” kind of blog, instead of a “spontaneous unedited opinions of Some Random Guy on the Internet” kind of blog.

I have been using Google Analytics and Google Search Console on my recent blog-push, and it’s hilarious to me what kinds of search terms lead people here. A big one is “chicken butt shirt” for example, because way way way back in the day I posted about a cool and funny button I bought off the internet. “Guess what?” “Chicken butt” is a phrase I and my bestie use frequently. But, like, can I turn that in to a blog post? Could I get 1000-1500 words out of that? No, I don’t think I could.

What else does Google say people like about the blog? Well, another top search term is “Bettie Bondage” which, in this site’s case, leads to a movie review I posted a long time about about a biopic of Bettie Page. Again, I’m grateful for the traffic but if I used that as a basis for future content this might become an NSFW blog.

Not that there’s anything wrong with those. Just not really what I’m aiming for here. I’d start a new blog for that kind of content (note to self: look into starting a new blog for that kind of content. I hear it’s a sure money-maker.)

Not sure where that leaves me. Let’s stick a pin in this. Maybe I’ll do some actual research and write up a “how to keep your blog swimming in content” article.

I’ll add that to the Ideas File.

That was a 4.7 bar

General

“Was going to ask if you’d want to get a drink in your neighborhood after.

“I’ll be done at 3. No is always okay.

“Just thought I’d ask since I’m out here.”

It was my best friend, Tracy, texting me. I did want to hang out with her. Been kinda lonely ’round here lately. But…

I replied, “I would like to get a drink but I don’t know where.”

Her response came back almost immediately. “Is the bar across the street not good?”

Dad has been walking to the bar across the street pretty much daily while he’s been here. I’ve been in there exactly twice when I first moved in to this neighborhood and, no offense to dad, it was not my cup of tea. Run down, open, no dark corner to hide in, noisy. I just sent back the emoji that’s described as “grimacing face” which I interpret to mean anxious avoidance.

I looked up “bars near me” on Google. The one across the street had a 3.5 star rating, which seemed high compared to the last time I’d been in there, which to be fair was 4-5 years ago. I poked around and found one between where I lived and Tracy’s appointment and found one that was rated 4.7 stars, and sent her the link. We agreed to meet there after 3.

Part of my depression kept telling me it did not want to leave the house. I mostly ignored that part of me. I wanted to see my bestie.

We both pulled in to the parking lot at the same time, her from one side, me from the other. We hugged and went inside. It did not seem too bad; had a nice covered area, despite each table having a coffee can half-filled with cigarette butts. Inside was clean, about half-full of patrons. Music a bit loud for conversation — or maybe I’m getting old. We got drinks; me a black ale, her the prickly pear cider they had on tap, she ordered a BLT, we went outside.

It was good to see her. I felt a little of the stress and despair leave my body. We caught each other up on our individual drama, commiserated with each other, talked a little bit about politics. She complained about work, I complained about looking for work. It was good. We’ve known each other for decades. The familiarity is a comfort.

We were on our second round of drinks, Tracy’s BLT half gone, when she went inside to get a to-go box for the fries and half-sandwich. While she was gone, the bartender, a thin tough-looking woman my age or older, came out to talk to one of the other patrons on the patio. I didn’t pay much mind; she said something about the man’s wife that I didn’t register, turned to walk back inside, and the guy yelled back at her, angry and defensive, defending his wife about… something. The bartender turned on her heel and came back outside, leaning over him, not backing down, finger wagging in his face.

A crowd quickly formed. Tracy and I took long sips of our drinks, gave each other significant looks.

I held up my beer. “Think I can get a to-go cup for this?” She laughed.

We weren’t able to finish our drinks. It was clear we both wanted to escape before things escalated. As we walked out to the parking lot together, Tracy turned to me.

“I’m sorry you live in the ghetto, dude.”

Wonder if the 3.5 bar would have been better? At least they would have known my dad.