Category: General

The universe must be trying to tell me something.

Two days ago I met a friend for coffee, and after she ordered, I ordered a small (12 oz) soy chai tea. Well, the barrista there is cute, so I flirted with her, and when she made my drink, she gave me a medium instead, without offering an explanation beyond a wink.

I really was only counting on the calories from the small, but, since Mrs. Moon didn’t raise an impolite son, I accepted with a “thank you” and drank it. It was gooooood.

Well, this morning, I was at yet another coffee shop (Portland is the center of the microbrew beer and coffee shop craze, nevermind what Seattle says), and once again ordered my usual small soy chai. The girl behind the counter is also cute, so I flirted with her, too, and sure enough, when I went around to the bar to pick up my drink, I’d gotten a medium.

I think the lesson here is that flirting is bad for my diet.

I replied to the major online retailer with whom I am engaged concerning a shipment gone terribly, terribly awry:

I emailed your company today regarding this order, and pointing out that, even though the package originated in the US, and was to be shipped to a US address, it has somehow ended up in Germany.

I am not making this up.

Here is the UPS tracking number so that you can confirm for yourself:

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Your company’s response to this was to ask me to refuse the shipment when it arrives.

I have several problems with this. First, since the package has gone on a European vacation, I have no idea if and when it will arrive. Let me repeat that: I have absolutely no assurances that the package (for which I paid for 2nd day air shipping) will return to the country of origin.

Second, since your company will not refund me the purchase price of this order until YOU receive it back, that means that I am out the approximately $260.00 that I paid for the software and the assurance from your company that I would receive it two business days after ordering it. Again, the time this will take is uncertain. I am not pleased by this.

At first, I was willing to give your company the benefit of the doubt. However, your dismissive response has angered me, and now I expect that this matter has gone beyond a simple matter of a return.

I expect a more personal response to this extraordinary matter. I await your correspondence.

Brian Moon

I can’t wait for the response to this.

Update on the shipment that’s taking the long way:

The major online retailer (or, more correctly, their Customer Service) has emailed me back, telling me to refuse the shipment. That, they say, is “the easiest way to return the shipment without having to arrange for it to be shipped back”.

Couple of problems here. First, the shipment is still in frickin’ Germany and stalled at some point. There’s no telling when it will get its passport cleared or whatever and make the long trek back to the States. Heck, for all I know, it’s getting plastered on shot after of shot of schnapps, or, mythical-supreme-being forbid, Jagermeister in some sleazy dive bar, instead of waiting patiently while UPS uniformed mechanics work feverishly ’round the clock to repair the “mechanical failure” that’s preventing the cargo plane from lumbering down the runway and back Stateside.

It would be so easy at this point to blame terrorists. Imagine that? A cargo plane being hijacked by German separatists or something? Nah, there’s really no way to tie politics into this little story at all. My life may be cool, but it’s not that cool.

Where was I..? Oh, right. Second, while clicking around the website of the major online retailer, I managed to click a link that made the major online retailer that I wanted to return the package. Oopsie. So, today, a UPS driver arrived to pick up the package. Yeah, that one: the package that hasn’t arrived yet. And, of course, I wasn’t there, so the receptionist was confused and almost gave the UPS driver yet another package I’m sending back (this one a GPS unit I’d bought on eBay that didn’t work), which would have caused even more confusion. Luckily, I managed to dodge a bullet on that one, and the UPS driver didn’t pick up the wrong package.

But it looks like UPS is going to be back tomorrow, to pick up the package that hasn’t arrived yet.

And, meanwhile, FedEx hasn’t picked up the second package.

My life? Shipment hell. Thankyouverymuch.

Sent the following email to the major online retailer I mentioned yesterday:

I ordered Win2K Pro from your company last week early on a Wednesday. I paid extra for 2nd-day Air shipping, expecting to receive it before that weekend. I am a computer consultant and was ordering this product as an upgrade for a client. However, due to some bizarre mix-up at UPS, the shipment (which started in Delaware and was to be shipped to Oregon) ended up in Germany.

I am not making this up. I have the tracking number.

I have made other arrangements with my customer, but need to return the copy I ordered from you. However, I am unable to do so because the package STILL has not arrived. It would be easiest for me if you simply cancel the shipment and refund my purchase price. I do not want to have to deal with waiting for the package to arrive, then turning around and shipping it back to you. Please do your best to make this happen, and keep me informed as to the status of my request. Thank you.

I’ll post any response I get from them regarding this. I find this most amusing.

I have to post this. I ordered some software last week from a major online retailer, for a client, and paid extra for 2nd day air so I would have it by the weekend.

Well, Friday rolled around, and no software, so I checked the website to see what was up:

Ship Method: UPS Second Day
Tracking Number: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Status: IN TRANSIT
Shipment Date: Mar 17, 2004
Destination: Portland, OR, United States
Order ID: XXX-XXXXXXX-XXXXXXX

Date Time Location Service Area Checkpoint Details
Mar 23, 2004 01:37:56 AM KOELN (COLOGNE) DE HUB SCAN
Mar 23, 2004 01:34:20 AM KOELN (COLOGNE) DE HUB SCAN
Mar 22, 2004 06:51:42 PM MAIA PT HUB SCAN
Mar 22, 2004 08:06:00 AM MAIA PT ROUTED INCORRECTLY AT UPS FACILITY;PKG HAS BEEN REROUTED TO DESTINATION
Mar 22, 2004 08:03:00 AM MAIA PT UPS INTERNAL ACTIVITY CODE;FORWARDED TO DESTINATION
Mar 22, 2004 06:11:54 AM MAIA PT FLIGHT DELAY FOR MECHANICAL REASONS
Mar 22, 2004 04:38:22 AM MAIA PT HUB SCAN
Mar 22, 2004 03:45:14 AM MAIA PT HUB SCAN
Mar 19, 2004 12:19:08 AM KOELN (COLOGNE) DE HUB SCAN
Mar 18, 2004 12:25:13 AM PHILADELPHIA PA US LOCATION SCAN
Mar 17, 2004 11:54:00 PM PHILADELPHIA PA US UNLOAD SCAN
Mar 17, 2004 11:09:00 PM PHILADELPHIA PA US ARRIVAL SCAN
Mar 17, 2004 10:17:00 PM NEWARK DE US DEPARTURE SCAN
Mar 17, 2004 06:58:52 PM New Castle DE USA SHIPPED
Mar 17, 2004 06:07:12 PM NEWARK DE US ORIGIN SCAN
Mar 17, 2004 02:32:38 PM US BILLING INFORMATION RECEIVED

Would you believe… it was in Germany! Funny, that. It shipped from Newark, Delaware, and was being shipped to Portland, Oregon. How it ended up in Germany I’ll never know.

On top of that, the flight back to the US was delayed for mechanical reasons.

And on top of that, the client has since changed their mind about upgrading. So I’ll have to fight for a refund on it. Hopefully the fact that it’s been so badly misrouted will help my case.

Mini-rant: Telemarketers are getting around the Federal Do-Not-Call list by claiming they’re “just doing a survey”. I’ve gotten three such calls in the past week, and they just laugh when I tell them that a) I’m on the Federal DNC, and b) they’re calling a cell phone (my home number forwards to my cell phone). They say they’re still within the law.

*grumble, grumble*

Two new items!

• Phone droids who can only read from a script — I had to call a famous national shipping company today, to try to find out either why my package hadn’t arrived yet, or to try to arrange other shipping options, and the person on the other end of the phone (and I use that term generously) sounded more like a computerized voice than a real human being. Whenever I tried to engage “her” in conversation I could hear the ruffling of papers as she tried to find her lines… so frustrating.
• Able-bodied people who insist on using the button to open doors for them — Several of the buildings I support have those buttons next to their doors, marked in blue with the stick figure in a wheelchair, intended for opening doors for folk who are either in a wheelchair or on crutches, or otherwise can’t open the doors for themselves. I’ve seen delivery men use them when they’ve got a cart full of packages or their hands full. But what in the name of Hel of the Helheim hell hall is up with people using the button just because they’re frickin’ lazy? It’s entirely possible that some of the folk I’m judging to be able-bodied have some form of disability invisible to the eye, but I swear on Odin’s missing eye that a large majority of the people entering my place of work use that damned button, and they can’t all be disabled.

Below is the team picture for Team Saponfied, taken immediately after the 2004 Shamrock Run. Click on the image to be taken to the image in the Flickr photostream.

From left to right, that’s your friendly blogger (Brian Moon), Caleb Phillips, and Becky Llanes.

Update: I have updated all the links and moved the picture to my Flickr photostream. 5 May 2009 – BAM

First, I understand that fat cells never (or rarely) ever die. They grow and shrink, but you never really change the number of cells you have during your adult life.

Second, I understand that fat cells are where your body stores toxins and poisons and other gunk that doesn’t get filtered out by your liver.

Third, it’s my understanding (as well as making logical sense, assuming the above two assertions are true) that when someone diets, their fat cells dump the poisons and toxins along with the fat. It’s a side-effect of dieting that I’ve read of in several books.

Lastly, I’ve been fat for at least my entire adult life.

That all being the case, then during this whole process of shrinking from 225 to under 180 lbs (or for that matter, from 240 in August 2000, my highest weight ever), I’ve been dumping, along with the weight, poisons that I have carried around with me for my entire life.

I don’t know if it’s scientifically true… but I’d like to think it’s metaphorically true.

So in many ways, I am, in fact, a brand-new person. Or at least, cleaner. I’ve shed more than weight; I’ve rid myself of past hates and fears… At least.

I feel… great. Amazing, in fact. I don’t want to leave behind my past; it’s what made me what I am. But there are certain parts of “the old Brian” that I am not going to miss at all.

This is apparently all part of my adjusting self-image. Brian is dead… long live Brian.

Walking back to my office tonight, I passed by a wide stairwell leading up to some offices. The railings are long and straight, and have no finials on them, so they’re perfect for skaters and rollerbladers. And this was demonstrated on this occasion by a) a sign posted that said “Absolutely no skateboarding or rollerblading” and b) a crowd of five or six teenage boys, all wearing rollerblades.

Walking alongside me was a tall (over six foot) gentleman, wearing a bullet-proof vest over a t-shirt and jeans, mirrorshades, holstered pistol and carrying an official-looking radio. Not a cop, necessarily, probably more like a parole officer or plainclothes officer coming back from a bust.

I was amused by the idea that the kids were actively disobeying the law in some kind of protest, so I looked at them and asked, “Is this an act of civil disobedience?” I would have actually been proud of them for it. That would have taken a lot of guts to pull off, and since both the sign and their presence was so blatant, it appeared at first glance to be their intent.

“Would have”… “appeared to be”… I should have known better.

As soon as I asked them that, they all stared at me with a blank, but faintly hostile gaze. I actually heard the gears and chains clanking in their heads as they processed the unfamiliar words I had used, came up empty, and decided that since they didn’t understand me, that I must be insulting them.

“Hey, fuck you, asshole” one of them (the “alpha”) started, and the rest of them chimed in with their own unoriginal epithets at me. I shook my head and laughed. Idiots. I might have had some respect for them. Turns out they were just some dumb kids.

Meanwhile, the official looking gent in the kevlar and weapon of individual destruction took an interest. He saw that the kids were loitering and breaking the law, and were insulting an adult (can’t have that!) so he turned away and pulled out his radio, made a call.

I kept walking, but still heard the vested mook say to the kids, “I think you should go now. The cops are on their way. I called a car. You’d better get moving” in a dull but vaguely authoritative voice. The boys sized up their opponent and most of them decided to wait it out. They weren’t going to be scared off by someone not sporting a badge.

Maybe they were actively breaking the law in order to protest it? One scrawny lad, though, found the better part of valor and hopped down off the stairs and rolled away, ahead of me. I tried to get his attention again, “Hey, kid, I wasn’t insulting you. Don’t you know what civil disobedience is?”

He just looked back at me, still as vacant as a blocked writers’ Word document, exactly as if I had been speaking Urdu, and kept skating away. I had to chuckle.