Narrowing it down (not)

I walked into one of the county offices where I work, and the receptionist, a lady I’ll call “C”, was slumped at her desk behind the bullet-proof window where she works with the fine clientele she deals with every day. She looked like she’d had a long day already, and it was only 10 AM or thereabouts.

I asked her what was up, and she laughed tiredly and said, “A client came in and claimed to be Jesus Christ.”

I started laughing. “That’s pretty funny,” I said.

She smiled a bit and said, “I just kept asking him to tell me his real name, and he just kept insisting it was ‘Jesus Christ.'”

“Maybe it’s pronounced ‘HAY-soos!‘” I suggested, and laughed harder.

She laughed with me, but after a minute she drew in enough breath to continue the story. “So I had to look him up in the computer. Guess what I found? There were two ‘Jesus Christs” in there!”

Tears came to my eyes. “Two of them!”

I couldn’t stop laughing now. I had to sit down in a vacant chair. “You should have asked him what his middle initial was! My dad always insisted it was ‘Jesus H. Christ!'”

C turned to the computer, the search screen still up. “No middle initial listed.” She continued, “Yeah, so I had to figure out which one he was…” I knew where she was going.

When there’s multiple names in the database, the next question the fine county folk ask is the person’s birthday. To narrow down which one is which.

“So…” I prompted her.

‘C’ smiled even wider. “So I asked him. And, of course, it was December 25th.”

Explanation of today’s catchphrase

There’s a weird security lady in the building where I work. I used to think of her as just bitchy; the first interaction I ever had with her, I was bringing a computer and monitor into the building, and she lectured me about using the “normal” elevators instead of the freight elevators. She’s usually very deadpan. Remember Cloris Leachman from “Young Frankenstein”? Like her but on Xanax.

Anyway, my buddy Ken thinks she’s crazy… and creepy. And he interprets everything she says in that light now. He takes every opportunity to point out how crazy she is. Yesterday, Ken and I were both coming in at the same time as these two guys in coveralls. We must have looked curious, because Creepy Security Lady (CSL) mentioned to us that those two worked in the building. As we get on the elevator, I say something smartass like “Yeah, I try to do that sometimes, too.” And she starts laughing.

She continues to laugh, while standing in front of the doors, as the elevator closes. It’s hard to describe in print, but it was creepy the way she continued to laugh. It gave the impression that she would still be laughing if we went down there again.

This is all setup. Today Ken goes down to get his breakfast (they make yummy and cheap breakfast burritos across the street at Cafe 400) and when he came back, he said CSL stopped him and pointed to his bag. “Getting some breakfast?”

“Uh, yeah.” Ken said he scooted around her to get into the elevator. “I try to eat it every morning.”

Deadpan, she replied, “It’s the most important meal of the day” as the elevator doors closed on Ken.

When Ken told me the story, I cracked up. There was more, but I made him go back and say that line multiple times, and it took him quite a while before he could repeat it with the poker face of CSL again without laughing himself.

Hoo-boy. Still gets me. It’s especially funny out of context.

Today’s catchphrase

Today’s catchphrase (delivered deadpan, with a poker face):

“It’s the most important meal of the day.”

This is so wrong.

Besides the fact that “Catwoman” is going to be teh suck, here’s another reason not to see it:

Halle Berry’s stunt double in the movie? A man.

So, basically, by releasing that little tidbit of information, they’ve removed even the guilty pleasure of watching Ms. Berry’s derrierre. All over the country, men and boys past puberty will be wondering, “Is that a man’s ass I’m staring at?”

Why? Why did they have to ruin it for me?

Warner Brothers have now essentially reduced their target market for this movie to be bisexual comic-book geeks. Yes, all 10 of them.

New iPods!

Sweet cracker sandwich!

I already used “HFLoK” this week

Apple announced the new, fourth-generation iPod!

…unfortunately, most of the features aren’t really compelling enough for me to upgrade just yet. Sure, 12-hour battery life. Sure, nifty click-wheel like the MiniPod. Sure, multiple On-The-Go playlists and better UI features. Sure, the 40 GB model is $100 cheaper than what I paid for my 3G 40 GB model. Sure, it’s thinner (oooook, that’s cool).

ButButBut… it’s just not cool enough. Me pout.

Now, if they had announced a 60 GB model today… then I would have been first in line to upgrade.

Curse you Steve Jobs!

Me vs. Qwest: Final Victory Is Mine

Holy friggin’ list of Kens!

It looks like it does, in fact, pay to complain. You might recall from my previous posts that I had some difficulty dealing with Qwest. Cue up a recap: I had Qwest for both landline and cell phone, I was moving, and contacted Qwest to disconnect my landline and port that phone number to my cell phone. Seems simple enough, right? But Qwest insists that it’s a very complicated procedure… and my battles with an endless series of phone droids showed me just how seriously Qwest takes that point of view.

It can’t be that hard, because if I walk up to a kiosk in any shopping mall in the US, and order a phone, I walk away from that kiosk with a working cell phone. What did the minimum-wage kiosk-dweller do? Why, they check a credit history, and then assign a phone number from a pool of available numbers to a specific phone. There is not an iota of difference, from a purely technical standpoint, from what I asked Qwest to do. Move a phone number that I had in my own name to a phone that I had in my name.

I won’t re-hash the whole fight, but after dealing with at least 10 different people, and having a time frame further and further in the future quoted to me as to when the port would take place, and going weeks without phone service at all, I complained. I filed formal complaints with the State of Oregon Department of Justice Consumer Fraud Division, the State of Oregon Public Utility Commission, and the Better Business Bureau in Denver (which covers the nest of thieves that infests Denver, a.k.a. Qwest HQ). After the Oregon PUC informed me that they didn’t address porting issues, I filed a complaint with the Federal Communications Commission, which does.

At the time I also informed the most recent Qwest phone monkey that I would require any further promises they made to me to be in writing, as I could no longer trust them to tell me the truth. I told them that if I did not hear from them, in writing, within 48 hours that I would consider Qwest to have terminated their business relationship with me. I didn’t hear from them in my specified timeframe, and dropped off at a T-Mobile kiosk to get a new cell phone. Within 10 minutes of stepping up, I had a working cell phone again! Joy!

A couple of weeks ago I received a letter from the Oregon AG’s office telling me that they had contacted Qwest and to expect a formal response from them. A week after that, I got a series of voice mails from yet another Qwest employee asking for more information (they were calling me on my work phone). I didn’t return the calls. Last Friday I picked up my ringing work phone to find yet another Qwest employee on the other end of the call. Nearly unable to contain my anger, I informed her that I had another phone number, that since I hadn’t heard back from Qwest I considered our business relationship to be over, and that they could do what they wanted but I figured they applied the credit that one of their previous monkeys had offerred me to my bill and zeroed it out.

Well, I received a letter from the Oregon AG’s office, signed by a Ms. Papke, Enforcement Officer, saying that they had heard from Qwest and considered the matter closed. A copy of Qwest’s response was included, signed by Suzzy Reeves, Executive Regulatory Escalations Analyst for Qwest, saying that my accounts have been “adjusted to a zero balance… Mr. Moon will not owe Qwest any money on the accounts involved in the port.”

Sweet, sweet vindication. I am victorious!

In which Brian is introduced to used import CD shopping


Score!

My friend Caleb lives near the big Everyday Music on Sandy, which is a used music store. It’s to used music what Powell’s City of Books is to, well, books. I went there last night with my friend.

One of my favorite bands is Radiohead, and I own all of their major releases. A while ago I found an EP of theirs at the Everyday Music on Burnside, so I tend to check the Radiohead bin even though the odds of finding anything I don’t already have is pretty slim.

But the odds were on my side last night. When I checked the bin, there was an EP I’d never seen before: “My Iron Lung”, apparently released around 1994, with eight tracks, six of which I’d never heard of, and one a version I’d never heard!

  1. my iron lung
  2. the trickster
  3. lewis (mistreated)
  4. punchdrunk lovesick singalong
  5. permanent daylight
  6. lozenge of love
  7. you never wash up after yourself
  8. creep (acoustic)

That’s a lot of new Radiohead songs! So this morning I’m doing some research on it. I figure it’s an import or something. Well, Follow Me Around (a fansite) shows this EP, with this track listing, as an Australian import. Cool! But then At Ease shows it as a Dutch import… interesting. The CD I have shows that it’s printed in Holland, so I guess I have the Dutch import. The label is Parlophone, which comes up in Google as a UK label, part of EMI. Then I checked All Music Guide and saw that they described this EP:

…as close to a forgotten, long-lost Radiohead album as you can get. Although marketed and priced as an EP, it contains eight tracks, seven of which are unavailable anywhere else, and is half an hour long (which more than meets the criteria for a full-length). But besides its length, what makes My Iron Lung such a find is the quality of the tracks, all of them being great outtakes from the sessions for their classic 1995 full-length release The Bends.

Joy! After I’ve listened to it a million times I’ll post my own review, but I can tell you that a) I’m already a fan of Radiohead and predisposed to like their sound, and b) Since these are outtakes from “The Bends” and that was my first favorite Radiohead CD I’m even more predisposed to like these (yes, I’ve learned to like “Kid A” and “Amnesiac” and the others, too, but “The Bends” was my first favorite). What? Why haven’t I listened to it yet already? Because I’m moving my MP3 collection to a server and therefore iTunes is busy, so I haven’t ripped it to my iPod yet. And my actual CD player, out in the living room, isn’t hooked up (a product of my recent move).

Test post…

Test post… Blogger’s made some changes to their posting method, and last time I tried to use Safari to post there were problems.