At least it was here

I have so many notes and so many pictures relating to this weekend and the XOXO Festival, enough for a half-dozen posts about events at the festival alone, and what feels like enough creative energy to not run out of ideas for posts in general and the urge to create through the end of the year at least.

I also have a lot of feelings about it all, like my shame in discovering that I’ve been telling a lie and 2014 was my first year volunteering, or the shame in being so broke and despressed that I could not bring myself to volunteer for the last few events (2016, 2018, and 2019) even though I have been a fairly active member of the Slack community during that time, and the massive “I don’t fit in here with all these amazing creators” imposter syndrome I carry with me, and the “don’t be a weirdo” shame spiral.

While the guests over the years have talked about the amazing things they’ve done, they have always also included the down sides. The pushback, the backlash, the struggle to persist when it feels like they have no spare resources (money, attention, focus, protection, rights.) It’s a hard path, independence.

It’s not all negative. XOXO as a dream has caused me to take action on my own creative efforts over the years. The fact that this blog is active again after ho-ho-holy shit 21 years of posting is testament to my desire to write, to share, to communicate, and to be a member of a community, is energized by Andy B. and Andy M. and all the other XOXO people in my social sphere. The urge to be useful, to help out, to spread the word — all buoyed up by the spirit of the founders, staff, guests, and attendees. And the feeling that I get, sometimes, rarely: the feeling of belonging. That’s the dream for me. Kindness, inclusivity, community, creativity. And those things help counterbalance the downsides.

Processing all the notes, pictures, memories, faces, shame, joy, and belonging, is going to take some time. And maybe many posts from me, first drafts, unedited, just posting to the wind to try to gather my thoughts and give my readers something useful to take with them. But I can at least give you this much: this place is mine. It reflects my interests, my fears, my joys, my mistakes, my learnings, and my distractions. It’s me, in written form.

XOXO is about independence from the structure and policy of media companies. Those companies use their massive wealth to confine, restrict, and narrow the voices of the people who give them content for their platforms. XOXO founder Andy B. said “everyone should have a home on the web not controlled by billionaires.” and Lunar Obverse is my home.

This may be the last XOXO festival but it has built a community of weirdos, not-actually-imposters, influencers, artists, writers, dreamers, fighters. You might not know their stories but hopefully I can share some or many of theirs, while also continuing my own creative story. The spirit of XOXO lives on all over the place but also here. I’m glad you’re here, too.