Day #26 – Nothing Ever Goes As Planned

Should I be writing this at 1:09 AM in the morning? Sure, why not? It’s late but it’s after midnight so it’s technically Saturday which means it’s technically the next day, and I have a busy day planned to so I might not have time otherwise to write my 500 words later. I’m writing those 500 words now, before I fall towards bed.

I’m feeling drunk (duh) and lonely and unconnected. Did you read my previous post? Obviously I’m not feeling happy and content lately. It’s a sad, angry, lonely feeling. I lack something that I want, or need, to have, and that something is understanding and connection.

If any of my friends are out there reading this, it’s not your fault. You tell me you’re my friends, and I have every reason to believe you. You spend time with me, and I appreciate every minute. You reach out to me, you say you care about me and love me, you encourage me to do the things I’m dreaming of doing and you praise all my good qualities. I do not doubt you when you do and say and encourage and praise. But there’s that Inner Negative Voice in my head, that’s working to counter everything you say, and the voice in my head is stronger than a hundred of you (if only there were a hundred of you, out there, saying and doing and encouraging and praising, alas.)

But I’m stuck with the head I’ve got, and it’s telling me I’m a piece of shit in a short, hairy, old, wrinkly body, and it’s really really hard to not see it that way, when I look in the mirror and see a bald old ugly fat lump looking back at me. This is the place I’ve ended up, and this is where I live now. It’s really hard to talk back to that Inner Negative Voice and tell it it’s full of crap. It’s much easier to fall into the warm mush and see things the way the Inner Negative Voice sees them.

You understand, don’t you? Or maybe you don’t. Maybe you’re like my closest friend, who has always seemed to be lucky and connected and accepted everywhere they go. Maybe you’re like my other closest friend who has had bad things happen to them because of their own behavior but has never actually changed how they act because of all that, and are still succeeding and going strong. Or you’re like another close friend who has seemingly always made the right decisions and is now living a life doing what they’ve always wanted, having built the life they want.

I’m not any of those folks. I’m the one who has always zagged when everyone else has zigged. I’m the one who has run away from any kind of foundation, who was balked at building up anything of value. I’m the guy who has spent any savings they had, whether financial or social or cultural. I’m just me, and I’m tired, and it’s late, and I’m drunk, and I’m feeling that self-pity kind of feeling. I get what I get, and it’s less than some and more than others, but somehow I can only see the lesser-than, tonight.

I’ll be better tomorrow. There’s always tomorrow.

I love you all. I always say that, and I always mean that. But tonight I do not love myself, and that’s where I’m at.