I did not get up early and do my 500 words this morning before work. Only day 3 and I’ve already fallen off the pattern. But I’m still going to write my 500 damn words today. As long as the day isn’t over, I’m still doing what I need to do, what I want to do. I’m still making it happen. I’m still exhibiting an internal locus of control.
I went to bed last night before 8 PM, and remained in bed, with one exception to get up and piss, until about 10 or 15 minutes past my normal “You have to get up now or be late to work” alarm at 6:15 AM. More than 10 hours in bed. I was tired from having had a very stressful day at work, a day when two major systems at work broke at the same time, affecting nearly everyone. It required help from two other techs, actually. And I didn’t do much but watch them troubleshoot and apply the fix. I helped a bit, but it was demoralizing how little help I was able to offer. And all that stress and demoralization combined to make me really tired at the end of the day, so I went straight to bed and stayed there until well past time to get up.
I dreamed about travel and connection like I always do. That’s all I dream about these days.
When I finally made it into work this morning I felt the emptiness inside even more than usual. And I knew I had to do something about it. I wanted, I have been wanting, to see a therapist or counselor to talk about my sadness and emptiness. Honestly, I’ve been needing some talk therapy for a long time now, but since getting health insurance two months ago on my new job, it’s been even more pressing. Just couldn’t get the energy to actually make the calls, though. It was only a couple of weeks ago that I called my insurance hotline to get a list of in-network counselors, and then just the idea of starting to call down the list and make appointments would literally make me sleepy. My brain did not want to cooperate in this whole “fix my thinking” project.
On my lunch break, I walked out to my car; I wanted to call in private and there wasn’t any conference room I could use at work and I don’t have my own office. I called the first two names on the list. Because it was lunchtime, I got voice mail. I left a brief message. Then I complained about not getting a person or an appointment to my friends via text, because, hey, I wanted to let them know I’m taking steps but I also wanted them to know I was struggling. One of my friends offerred to give me the name of their therapist, but when I agreed, he said he’d get it to me later, which felt a little too raw to me. I’m sure he was just busy but did he not understand I was feeling blocked?
While I was writing this, though, one of the therapists has called me back. I didn’t recognize the number so it went to voicemail. Turnabout is fair play, I guess? I will call them back now. And I’ve written my 500 words (actually 553).