How to lose your mind:

  1. Lose checkbook.
  2. Search for, and fail to find, rest of checks.
  3. This step doesn’t exist
  4. Search everywhere, including in jackets not worn since winter even though I had my checkbook just a couple of weeks ago since I paid my rent with a check.
  5. Toss contents of two backpacks and a bike messenger bag out on bed. Huh. No checkbook.
  6. Repeat previous step.
  7. Suspect cat of dragging checkbook into some odd corner of the house. But no dice.
  8. Suspect neighbors of stealing checks.
  9. Realize I’m being exceptionally paranoid.
  10. With beginning of month approaching, realize I need to order replacement checks or at least get a money order to pay rent, since that’s the only thing I write checks for now, because if I used the free online bill pay my bank offers I’d be late every month (don’t ask).
  11. Order replacement checks one week before rent is due, figuring that’s enough time.
  12. One week later, no replacement checks arrive in mail.
  13. Find out that “one week” to a bank means “7 to 10 business days”.
  14. Stop looking at me like that.
  15. I’ll get to the point when I’m ready.
  16. Try to buy a money order since, y’know, rent is due, motherfucker. Banks, however, don’t sell them anymore, which seems even odder than the strange calendary they use where “1 week” = as many as two regular, non-banking-employee weeks (see Step #13).
  17. Buy money order from Post Office. Even more odd.
  18. Mail money order to landlord, call landlord to let him know it might be a little bit late.
  19. Upon arriving home from mailing rent check money order, find replacement checks in mailbox.
  20. Upon dumping out contents of backpack that was searched at least twice, find old checkbook.

There. That was easy-schmeasy.