I haven’t posted here in months. My bad. I could keep on posting stuff I’d written previously, but the main purpose of me having a blog is to encourage me to write.

So I’ll write tonight.

Spent last night (and most of the morning) at my friend Caleb’s place. It was, technically, a LAN party, but I was attending with the ulterior motive of just spending time with my friends. Jake was there, too. Of course. I don’t often feel that way, but sometimes it’s good to just hang around them. And with both Caleb and Jake being in school, opportunities like this won’t happen very often.

I discovered something about myself last night, too. Caleb was only trying to be a good host, and look after my comfort and needs… but it made me feel very uncomfortable. I reacted with irritation towards him (and Becky, his girlfriend). Caleb seemed hurt — and why wouldn’t he be? I didn’t offer an explanation because I didn’t realize it at the time. But in retrospect I was able to dredge it up from the depths of my subconscious.

I feel uneasy, perhaps because I want to relax in the presence of my friends; I’d rather that my friends and I were equals. Or maybe it’s the feeling that I want to be self-sufficient, that I can take care of myself.

Speaking of which, I just took a phone call from my dad. His birthday is tomorrow, and he’s invited me out to dinner. He is insisting on paying. Which triggered this same sense I am speaking of. I told him, flatly, that I will go, but I am paying, and he seemed taken aback by that. He couldn’t fathom it.

I don’t want to be bought. Grrr. Why is my response to family and friends spending money or time or effort on me to become stubborn and angry? This is not, apparently, a universal reaction. But it’s a very real one to me. It’s cause for meditation.