Thursday, June 07, 2007
Blasting through the walls of repression
So, it's a running joke between Tracy and I that I'm repressed, at least where it comes to sex and sexual expression.Oh, sure, I hang out in strip clubs and flirt with the dancers, but when I'm outside the club, in the real world, I fail to act on what should be normal, human, desires. And when I am dating a woman... It's not all whipped cream and sweaty skin, if you know what I mean.
Slowly, over time, this idea, that I'm repressed, has filtered into my conscious mind. And I know that it's a problem. And, being who I am, I want to fix the problem. Only... how?
If I visualize the repression as a wall of stone, thick and cold, gray, covered in oily black-green vines... then the way to fight it is to either climb over it, dig under it... or blast through it.
My favorite dancer, "S", loves being naked. She really and truly finds joy in being naked. She hangs out at "clothing optional" beaches. She wanders around her house naked. And even in the club, she seems more alive and happy when she's got no clothing on.
...and I'm really comfortable around her. A large part of that, I believe, is the connection that comes from her being comfortable in her own skin.
Then, today, I read about Pedalpalooza, a celebration of bikes and bicycling. More importantly, I read about the World Naked Bike Ride.
I'd read about it last year. There was a nighttime ride and a daytime ride. I'm a voyeur - I looked at the pictures, watched the videos (warning: NSFW). I had forgotten that it was an annual event until I saw it on some blog again today.
Talking to Tracy, I complained. I said, if only I had a bike, that sounds like fun.
Tracy called bullshit on me. She's my best friend. She knows that I would never actually be naked in public.
Tracy was mostly right. Mostly, like 99.999997% right. I knew it. I didn't argue with her. Much. The repressed parts of my brain (I'm sure there's more than one because it seems like they gang up on me) were screaming and wailing at the very thought of being naked in a crowd of strangers while sitting on a bike in the Eastside Industrial District. I'm a 42-year old man, a man who is still overweight, a man whose ancestors were hairy people. I'm one of those guys that people joke about wearing a sweater when I take off my shirt. At a party in Mexico, slender hairless muscular Mexican men were calling me "Danny De Vito". I don't have great self-esteem when it comes to being naked.
But... I kinda wanted to try it. More accurately, I wanted to be the kind of guy who would try it. I wanted to be able to tell S., the next time I saw her, that I had, in fact, been naked in public. I wanted to be able to blog about it.
I've raced cars, both in formal settings and late night, on the streets. I've jumped from airplanes. I've walked around dangerous parts of New York City by myself. I have moshed. I've had an affair with a married womon and then become friends with the husband.
I can be brave. No, scratch that - I am brave.
So I made a deal with Tracy. First, I needed a bike.
My first thought was asking to borrow a bike. Ken is about my size and has a bike. I'd ask him if I could borrow... No. Tracy and I both cracked ourselves up. Ken is many things, but he's got, shall we say, cleanliness issues. There is no way he would let me ride his bike while I was naked.
So the deal is this: if I can find a bike that fits my budget before Saturday night, I will ride in the Naked Nighttime Bike Ride, along with all the others. I run, I'm fit. A bike would complement my running nicely.
I allowed Tracy to come up with the consequence if I don't do this. Her first thought shows that, one, she knows me very well, and, two, she has a subtle and devious mind.
I can't run for a week.
Running is my therapy and my passion. Not running for a week would be pure psychological torture. It may sound odd to folks who don't run, but, believe me... I would go crazy. Um... crazier.
And now, I'm blogging about it. I'm putting my reputation on the line. I will do this.
I will blast through the walls of my repression.
Plus I'll have an awesome story to tell.
OK, time to read up on the tips for first-time naked cyclists... And if you're wondering, no, riding naked is not illegal.
Labels: stripclub
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Hmm..... Interesting. There are a few ideas here to contemplate, if you will allow me.
Is the running joke merely a joke, or do you consciously/subconsciously see it as truth? If it's true, are you really repressed or do you lean toward the the scientific side of your mind - your strength - in relationships? Secondly, where and when do you find the time to have these unique conversations with your favorite dancer "S"? (How did you learn she loves being naked?) Are you attracted to her, her raw lifestyle, and/or her perception of herself (and the world)? Thirdly, I get the spontaniety of naked bike riding. I don't doubt your quest to follow through with this. I think it is in your nature to look outside your circle of comfortability, and take a bold step to try something different. You mentioned doing it with other activities - all very cool. Good on you! Honestly, there are not many who would do it. As they feel the same uncomfortability. Although I don't think they would call their apprehension "the repressed parts of my brain screaming a wailing at the very thought of...," as these folks might just shake their head and embarrassly laugh at the thought. Nonetheless, do you really believe your motivation for this is to break through the wall of repression? Or is it due to something else? You mentioned you wanted to be the kind of guy who would try it, and who could tell someone and blog about it. Could your motivation be linked to that - possibly living up to a manifested unattainable-persona of yourself? (Or something else?)
There is a lot of value in what you've written - you have provided a lot of vulnerability and insight. I sincerely appreciate it. Thank you!
I apologize if I overstepped my bounds in responding to this, in this manner.
I like this post, as it has made me think. About you. About me. About men versus women, and how we perceive taking chances differently. Taking risks. And Dealing with our inner demons and angels.
Hmm.........
Is the running joke merely a joke, or do you consciously/subconsciously see it as truth? If it's true, are you really repressed or do you lean toward the the scientific side of your mind - your strength - in relationships? Secondly, where and when do you find the time to have these unique conversations with your favorite dancer "S"? (How did you learn she loves being naked?) Are you attracted to her, her raw lifestyle, and/or her perception of herself (and the world)? Thirdly, I get the spontaniety of naked bike riding. I don't doubt your quest to follow through with this. I think it is in your nature to look outside your circle of comfortability, and take a bold step to try something different. You mentioned doing it with other activities - all very cool. Good on you! Honestly, there are not many who would do it. As they feel the same uncomfortability. Although I don't think they would call their apprehension "the repressed parts of my brain screaming a wailing at the very thought of...," as these folks might just shake their head and embarrassly laugh at the thought. Nonetheless, do you really believe your motivation for this is to break through the wall of repression? Or is it due to something else? You mentioned you wanted to be the kind of guy who would try it, and who could tell someone and blog about it. Could your motivation be linked to that - possibly living up to a manifested unattainable-persona of yourself? (Or something else?)
There is a lot of value in what you've written - you have provided a lot of vulnerability and insight. I sincerely appreciate it. Thank you!
I apologize if I overstepped my bounds in responding to this, in this manner.
I like this post, as it has made me think. About you. About me. About men versus women, and how we perceive taking chances differently. Taking risks. And Dealing with our inner demons and angels.
Hmm.........
erraberra: I am so going to do it. I will try to provide proof, but I'm glad you said that you will take my word for it. You know me well enough to know that if I don't, I will tell you.
k.wecker: Thanks. Thoughtful and deep comments make me happy. :)
I can't speak for Tracy, but for me the "running joke" is both true and a joke, in that "funny but true" way of a lot of jokes. And I don't understand the distinction between avoiding and denying the sexual impulses within me and feeling anxiety in any and all expression of same, vs. "leaning towards the scientific side of [my] mind". There's no difference, to me.
Second, I have the conversations in the strip club, silly. She told me directly she likes being naked, several times (once when describing getting some pictures taken, another about being on a "clothing optional" beach for the first time). And as for why I'm attracted to her... I'm not going to analyze it (see the comments about repression for more on that topic).
Thirdly, yes. I am so going to do this. And I don't really care what others may call it when they don't do crazy spontaneous socially-discomforting things. That's for them. For me, yes, it's shock therapy. It's about integrating parts of myself that I have long kept under wraps, separated long ago just like Captain Kirk was split by the transporter into two. There is nothing about this naked bike ride that is unattainable. It's not like I'm trying to prove the existence of a supreme being or anything. I'm just going to ride around downtown Portland with 500+ like-minded people wearing nothing but shoes and a helmet. What's so difficult about that?
The difficulty is in my head, you see, which means it's not real (for this atheist's definition of "real"). And overcoming it will help me demonstrate its unreality in a most dramatic fashion and help me see myself in a clearer fashion.
My motivation could be linked to lots of things, but, y'know, there's only so much time in the day, and spending it all thinking and not acting or participating isn't always fun. But thanks for probing and getting me to explain further... that helps me very much, maybe more than most realize.
k.wecker: Thanks. Thoughtful and deep comments make me happy. :)
I can't speak for Tracy, but for me the "running joke" is both true and a joke, in that "funny but true" way of a lot of jokes. And I don't understand the distinction between avoiding and denying the sexual impulses within me and feeling anxiety in any and all expression of same, vs. "leaning towards the scientific side of [my] mind". There's no difference, to me.
Second, I have the conversations in the strip club, silly. She told me directly she likes being naked, several times (once when describing getting some pictures taken, another about being on a "clothing optional" beach for the first time). And as for why I'm attracted to her... I'm not going to analyze it (see the comments about repression for more on that topic).
Thirdly, yes. I am so going to do this. And I don't really care what others may call it when they don't do crazy spontaneous socially-discomforting things. That's for them. For me, yes, it's shock therapy. It's about integrating parts of myself that I have long kept under wraps, separated long ago just like Captain Kirk was split by the transporter into two. There is nothing about this naked bike ride that is unattainable. It's not like I'm trying to prove the existence of a supreme being or anything. I'm just going to ride around downtown Portland with 500+ like-minded people wearing nothing but shoes and a helmet. What's so difficult about that?
The difficulty is in my head, you see, which means it's not real (for this atheist's definition of "real"). And overcoming it will help me demonstrate its unreality in a most dramatic fashion and help me see myself in a clearer fashion.
My motivation could be linked to lots of things, but, y'know, there's only so much time in the day, and spending it all thinking and not acting or participating isn't always fun. But thanks for probing and getting me to explain further... that helps me very much, maybe more than most realize.
Tell me what your budget is and I'll find you a bike. Seriously. I have a gift for this.
hollie at reed dot edu
hollie at reed dot edu
Awesome!
I like your response regarding a supreme being, based on my manifested unattainable persona of yourself comment. Heh! I was actually referring to wanting to appear as a certain lifestyle, without being in that lifestyle naturally. (ex. Appearing rich when really being poor. Appearing like a famous person when one is not.)
HA! Somehow I appeared religous in my comment to you, when I was not! HA! Another great example... But not quite. Because the manifestation is all in one's own head so they can feel a part of something without it normally being in their circle of comfortability.
The pyschobabble of saying you want to appear as Lt Tuck Pendleton (Dennis Quaid) in Innerspace when you are Jack Putter (Martin Short).
If that makes any sense.
Not to take away anything from you participating in the Naked Bike Ride 2007! And it appears Hollie of Reed College will assist in finding you the perfect (and affordable) naked bike!
You RTH! Yes indeed, my friend. R. T. H.
I like your response regarding a supreme being, based on my manifested unattainable persona of yourself comment. Heh! I was actually referring to wanting to appear as a certain lifestyle, without being in that lifestyle naturally. (ex. Appearing rich when really being poor. Appearing like a famous person when one is not.)
HA! Somehow I appeared religous in my comment to you, when I was not! HA! Another great example... But not quite. Because the manifestation is all in one's own head so they can feel a part of something without it normally being in their circle of comfortability.
The pyschobabble of saying you want to appear as Lt Tuck Pendleton (Dennis Quaid) in Innerspace when you are Jack Putter (Martin Short).
If that makes any sense.
Not to take away anything from you participating in the Naked Bike Ride 2007! And it appears Hollie of Reed College will assist in finding you the perfect (and affordable) naked bike!
You RTH! Yes indeed, my friend. R. T. H.
Brian;
Dad here, I have a 15 spd. Trailblazer That I'm not using that if you're interested is yours. The price is "Free" and as Tom Peterson used to say Free is a very good price. Just e-mail when to drop it by your place.
Dad here, I have a 15 spd. Trailblazer That I'm not using that if you're interested is yours. The price is "Free" and as Tom Peterson used to say Free is a very good price. Just e-mail when to drop it by your place.
#
posted by 
:: 6/08/2007 4:20 PM
:: 6/08/2007 4:20 PM
It's funny what we read, sometimes. I only tossed in that comment about a supreme being by way of contrast. I was reacting to k.wecker's use of the word "unattainable" and saw it as "impossible", and wanted to contrast the very possible action of riding a bike, naked, with something that most everyone would see as impossible, or at least much harder than naked bike riding.
In my head, that didn't turn the whole response into one about religion. That one small part was just a quick example of the opposite of what I was talking about...
To me, though, the rest of my response was about the psychological aspects of this challenge. Looks like we agree?
In my head, that didn't turn the whole response into one about religion. That one small part was just a quick example of the opposite of what I was talking about...
To me, though, the rest of my response was about the psychological aspects of this challenge. Looks like we agree?
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